Every now and then, when good friend @ChrisHenderson and I get together, we’ll chat for a little while… And when the awkward silences become too unbearable, we’ll watch an episode or two of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Last week, Henderson and I wound up at the same dinner party, and wouldn’t you know it, but our gracious hosts were fans of the Trek. Since Henderson and I are shameless histrionic personalities, we live-tweeted the whole thing for an audience that exists primarily in our own imaginations.
Here’s what happened when we sat down to watch Season Six, Episode Four: “Relics”
Bingofuel: Riker, how would you know the value of the earth’s orbit around the sun, you mouth-breather?
BF: Ah yes, the Dyson Sphere: also known as solar bubble wrap. also known as Planet Condom.
BF: Like Worf’s going to be able to increase the oxygen level! He’s the security officer. Ask him to shoot something. LIKE THE EMITTER ARRAY!
BF: Geordi: “I’ve never seen a transporter jury-rigged like this before.” Me: “Technically, you haven’t seen anything before.”
CH: So, yet again, the Enterprise found something extremely dangerous and mysterious to beam down 3 of their 5 most senior officers to. SAFETY.
CH: Scotty is in this epi. He was stuck in a transporter. How did he gain all that weight, when he was broken down into his constituent parts?
BF: Scotty just looked at Worf like he had two heads. Or, you know, one really fuckin’ big misshapen one.
BF: I like how Scotty’s regaling Geordi with old engineering tales, and Geordi’s just, like, checking his text messages and shit.
CH: Scotty and Geordi are nerding out over ship engines. If they get stuck in the turbolift, they’ll probably be tempted to touch silly parts.
BF: Scotty, you’re 147 years old. TAKE IT EASY… and drink this bottle of whiskey.
CH: @bingofuel Geordi doesn’t find Scotty’s stories nearly amusing as listening to @souljaboytellem
BF: Geordi’s so 9-5. SCOTTY’S 24-7
CH: Geordi is annoyed and thinking about shipping Scotty to the USS Barack Obama, where old people have their fate decided by DEATH PANELS.
BF: uh oh, the scotsman just found the Bar of the Future™. Let the 3D drinking games begin!
CH: Apparently being a Lt. Commander also allows you to tend bar at 10-Forward, which, if I do say so, is the stupidest name for a bar ever.
BF: Scotty’s the Original Gangsta. No bloody “A,” “B,” “C,” or “D.”
BF: FUCK YES. Captain Picard is downing Aldebaran whiskey shots with Scotty. I want to go on a starship pubcrawl with them! SPRING BREAK
BF: How come no one ever goes into the holodeck and says, “Load the muthafuckin’ Tron laser-bike program, and disable the safeties, bitch”?
BF: Scotty’s hangover wisdom is first-rate!
BF: The Dyson Sphere conjures images of Miles Dyson, creator of the Terminator. My advice to the crew of the Enterprise: DON’T GO IN THERE.
BF: When has auxiliary power NOT failed, nameless ensign?
BF: Riker will see about getting main power back online. Probably by head-butting a computer terminal.
CH: @bingofuel I think it’s more likely that he’ll seduce it and then use his cold-hearted manliness to leave it yearning for him forevermore.
CH: Scotty laughs at everything Geordi suggests. Scotty is a damn racist.
BF: Scotty: “I never wanted to be anything but and engineer… an Ewan MacGregor’s body double in Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.”
BF: Fact: the USS Jenolan is named after the Jenolan Caves in Australia. Booyah… uh, and prosper.
BF: New fact: the FORMER Jenolan… it was destroyed by the Enterprise. No respect for history.
CH: The Enterprise just shot the gap on the Death Star: “SISTA BE DRIVIN!”
CH: Geordi is the Chief Engineer OF MY HEART. Incidentally, I’m Admiral of my own bathtub.
BF: @ChrisHenderson I wish *I* had a bathtub admiral! SISTA BE BATHIN’!
This is the first it what will “hopefully” become a semi-regular series of posts… as long as @ChrisHenderson and I can find time to sit down and nerd the hell out… Mad thanks to the teams of monks at Memory Alpha, the finest wiki-reference for Trek on the whole planet.