Welcome to another FML Friday, wherein either Scott or myself take to task the writers of FML entries, either for being pathetic, obviously fake, or oblivious to how ridiculous they are. It’s like an advice column for d-bags. Remember, it’s all in fun; these people post this stuff on the web, which means we get to make fun of them.

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Employee recognition

Today, I didn’t get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML

That does indeed suck. But ask yourself this: why would some drunk doofus get promoted over you? Obviously, this guy is good enough at what he does — way more than you, in fact — that he can show up to work inebriated and still perform well enough to merit a new position in pay raise. You, on the other hand, have neither the skill nor dedication to do your job well enough even when you’re sober. Maybe try harder and don’t focus on what the drunk guy is up to. Unless he’s your new boss. Then you’d better listen to him, but good.

Relationship Woes

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin’ anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

I can only assume that you’re 15 and this is your first relationship. I say this because you broke an obvious cardinal rule of dating. A rule in general, actually: never refer to your testicles as “dingleberries.” It makes you sound like a moron.

Now, anyone who’s ever dated anyone — or watched a sitcom for that matter — knows that you shouldn’t agree with someone when they say they think they’re getting fat. Even if you think it’s true, the polite thing is to deny it until someone gets mad at you for doing so. In the real world, we call this erring on the side of caution. Which everyone should do if they want to keep their “dingleberries” from getting “lamped.”

More relationship woes

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

I think rather than feeling sorry for yourself you should be asking some pretty hard questions. Here, let me help: “Why would my boyfriend of 6 months choose to have a dog rather than stay with me?” See, that wasn’t so hard.

What might be more difficult to sort out is the answer. But I can help you with that too, “Probably because a dog will offer unconditional love and even though he might take a whiz on the carpet every now and then, the dog is still way easier to deal with than you are.” Amazing, right? And I don’t even know you!

Now here’s the best advice you’ll ever get from some random dude on the internet: be more like a dog, but don’t be a bitch.

fml, FML Friday, funny, people are dumb