In this issue of FML Friday — wherein either Scott or myself take to task the writers of FML entries, either for being pathetic, obviously fake, or oblivious to how ridiculous they are — we lambaste the lame, pick fun at the puny, and jab the jerks right where it counts.
Leave us some comments with your own responses!
Respect your elders
Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don’t graduate until May. FML
This is about the most shallow thing I’ve read since… well, since the last FML Friday. You’re a selfish prick, whoever you are. Your poor grandfather’s memory is degrading and all he wanted to do was fix a problem. And here you are feeling sorry for yourself. I’m not sure if you’re saying FML because you haven’t graduated yet, or because your grandpa thinks he forgot. Either way, grow the hell up, stop being so selfish and finish school already, degenerate loafer.
The Dog-bite Yo-yo blues
Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it’d be really cool to do the move “dog bite”. I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML
I’m not going to make some pun on using the term yo-yo. You’re not a yo-yo for trying to impressing a girl with a yo-yo trick. You’re a f*&k$@g moron. Seriously, did you really think a yo-yo trick was going to win her heart? I imagine she thought something along these lines when she saw you:
“Oh shit, it’s that weird nerd who keeps whipping out his yo-yo every time I walk by. I hope he hits himself in t… Oh, perfect!”
You’re a dork several orders of magnitude below of what is considered to be “normal dork.” No go put some ice on those testes of yours, stud.
Try the tough love approach
Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML
I decided the best way to address this particularly depressing FML is to edit it:
Today, I tried to get rid of my son.
Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse — that this parents hasn’t launched his or her son into the upper atmosphere for being such a little bitch, or the fact that this person’s now broadcasting her problem on FML. More like eff HIS life. He’s the sad piece of shit who still needs to be pacified in order to sleep. What you need is an intervention, and not one of those trumped-up-production-value A&E Interventions either. You need a psychologist who knows a martial art to abduct and de-program your son.
Now please just tell me he doesn’t still live at home…