FML Friday on a Wednesday. Also, Christmas

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So, I thought about it; I talked about it with Scott; I consulted my psychic; I examined a scale model of Edmonton the size of my kitchen table… And I decided it would be inappropriate to post an FML Friday on Christmas day, the day of Santa’s birth and the ruthless enslavement of an entire species of house elf.

Instead, I decided this week’s FML Friday would take place today, on Wednesday. I’m still not sure what to make of fmylife.com. On the one hand, people are dumb. On the other hand, I find it disheartening to know that people are this dumb. So in a bid to offer them unbiased advice, I just wind up making fun of them.

Welcome to “FML Friday, The Wednesday Edition™”.

Panic: help me internets!

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can’t get it loose. FML

So rather than use the internet to try and sort out a solution to un-gluing your tree from your floor, naturally you go directly to FMyLife to register your stupidity…

Listen, guy, if you watched Star Trek you’d know about at least two things: matter and anti-matter. Now I’m no scientitian, but I have it on good authority that if one kind of thing exists in this universe, its direct opposite must naturally exist as well — it’s science.

So what you need to do is nut up, get your ass down to the hardware store, and pick yourself up some anti-glue.

God, some people are so dumb.

Mr Poopy Pants

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

If this were true, I’d say it sucks to be you. And being somewhat claustrophobic, I think I can safely say that while the above is plausible, I also don’t buy it. You added too much detail, Mr Poopy Pants, especially when you said you shit yourself.

Unless you’re 80 years old, no chance this happened. I have a friend with an irritable bowel, and it takes more than a smack on the head for him to crap himself — it takes, oh I don’t know, landing on his back from 20 feet in the air when he’s trying to pull off a ridiculous snowboarding trick.

You, sir, are either embellishing or outright lying. In the spirit of Christmas, I’ll give the gift of that decision to our readers.

Car camping

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don’t wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

Well, this is definitely one of the more selfish things I’ve ever read. Eff your life? You own a car — one good enough to sleep in. Your biggest problem is that you failed to lock the doors to this car, and someone who’s obviously having a much rougher time than you decided to sleep in it. Really? Eff your life?

Before you continue feeling sorry for yourself, let me put this in perspective for you. There are some people out there who have NOTHING. No house, no fancy car, and they probably have to steal glasses in order to see. Who knows if they can even read. Given all of this, you still think you have it rough? Go to hell.

And Merry effin’ Christmas.

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