FML Friday – the effining

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Welcome to another FML Friday, wherein either Scott or myself take to task the writers of FML entries, either for being pathetic, obviously fake, or oblivious to how ridiculous they are. It’s like an advice column for d-bags. Remember, it’s all in fun; these people post this stuff on the web, which means we get to make fun of them.

Leave us some comments with your own responses!

Pissed off

Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML

Great, another genius. Listen, pal: I assume like most people you work with others, unless you’re a vending machine refiller. And even if you are, there’s a fairly good chance there will be other human beings around you throughout the day — human beings with functional nostrils. Nobody like the smell of piss, least of all when it’s literally radiating off another person. A smart individual would have rolled the dice, called the boss, and said, “I’m gonna be a bit late.” Hell, you might have even said, “You’ll never believe what a huge knob I am…” And shared your tale of woe. Instead you go to work smelling of urine AND you feel sorry for yourself. Which is probably OK, since no one else does.

Reach for the top

Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I hadn’t gone to the climbing gym since I’d lost it. I went today because I was so excited to go climbing again. However, it turns out that I’d left my gear there, and it had been in the “Lost & Found” for the past six months. FML

Now, I haven’t been shopping lately, but I’m pretty sure there’s this modern convenience called the “receipt.” These are small bits of paper that detail your purchase, and they include item descriptions, prices, taxes, discounts and even clever little messages. Oh, you’ve heard of this thing? So you know that it’s probably a trivial matter to return your $300 worth of new gear and resume using your old stuff? Oh… you didn’t know that? Because you’re actually a moron? Well now you know about receipts and return stuff to stores if you don’t need them. You may retract your FML, dingus.

Hello, I’m a doormat

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I “selfishly made it about me.” FML

OK, “man,” it’s time for you to nut up. You could have killed yourself — I know, I once slipped in a bathtub at a resort in Cuba, and the toilet nearly took my head off, but that’s a story for another time. Meanwhile, this hag you call a girlfriend chastises you for making her birthday about you? Look, I know that not every relationship is marriage material, and sometimes it’s cool to stay with someone you know you have no future with, but lose the doormat act, “man.” Tell this girl where to go, and kindly show her the door.

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5 Responses to “FML Friday – the effining”

  1. Adam Snider
    December 4, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    I sincerely hope that you guys keep this feature going. It’s hilarious. This one is even better than last week’s run. Keep it up.

    • bingofuel
      December 4, 2009 at 12:52 pm #

      I’m glad you’re enjoying the feature, Adam. It actually gives me a space to rant in without having to worry about people thinking I’m completely f®@king nuts.

  2. Alain Saffel
    December 4, 2009 at 5:38 pm #

    On returning the climbing equipment, I thought places like MEC had policies about returning certain kinds of climbing equipment like ropes and carabiners, etc, where they wouldn’t accept them at all. I could be wrong.

    Your site’s looking good. It’s been a while! I think I looked at it after you did your first podcast. How long ago was that?

    • bingofuel
      December 5, 2009 at 8:47 am #

      Actually, Alain, you’re totally right. DAMN MY IMPULSIVE HATRED OF FMLs.

      And thanks for the compliment on the site. If te last time you looked at it was after the first podcast, that would have been almost 6 months ago. Welcome back! NOW DON’T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

      • Alain Saffel
        December 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm #

        Sorry, I’ve been in the wilderness. It’s been a long journey, but I’m back, and I’ll never leave you again!

        Maybe you could turn your attention to lamebook?