Welcome to another FML Friday, wherein either Scott or myself take to task the writers of FML entries, either for being pathetic, obviously fake, or oblivious to how ridiculous they are. It’s like an advice column for d-bags. Remember, it’s all in fun; these people post this stuff on the web, which means we get to make fun of them.
Leave us some comments with your own responses!
Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML
Great, another genius. Listen, pal: I assume like most people you work with others, unless you’re a vending machine refiller. And even if you are, there’s a fairly good chance there will be other human beings around you throughout the day — human beings with functional nostrils. Nobody like the smell of piss, least of all when it’s literally radiating off another person. A smart individual would have rolled the dice, called the boss, and said, “I’m gonna be a bit late.” Hell, you might have even said, “You’ll never believe what a huge knob I am…” And shared your tale of woe. Instead you go to work smelling of urine AND you feel sorry for yourself. Which is probably OK, since no one else does.
Reach for the top
Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I hadn’t gone to the climbing gym since I’d lost it. I went today because I was so excited to go climbing again. However, it turns out that I’d left my gear there, and it had been in the “Lost & Found” for the past six months. FML
Now, I haven’t been shopping lately, but I’m pretty sure there’s this modern convenience called the “receipt.” These are small bits of paper that detail your purchase, and they include item descriptions, prices, taxes, discounts and even clever little messages. Oh, you’ve heard of this thing? So you know that it’s probably a trivial matter to return your $300 worth of new gear and resume using your old stuff? Oh… you didn’t know that? Because you’re actually a moron? Well now you know about receipts and return stuff to stores if you don’t need them. You may retract your FML, dingus.
Hello, I’m a doormat
Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I “selfishly made it about me.” FML
OK, “man,” it’s time for you to nut up. You could have killed yourself — I know, I once slipped in a bathtub at a resort in Cuba, and the toilet nearly took my head off, but that’s a story for another time. Meanwhile, this hag you call a girlfriend chastises you for making her birthday about you? Look, I know that not every relationship is marriage material, and sometimes it’s cool to stay with someone you know you have no future with, but lose the doormat act, “man.” Tell this girl where to go, and kindly show her the door.