I rarely dream, or if I do I usually fail to remember my dreams. I may even have nightmares that I don’t remember, which is fine by me. But over the weekend, while I was asleep, I had a brainwave… about zombies.
I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with zombie movies. As a genre, I don’t honestly know a whole lot about its development — though I’m fairly certain that 28 Days Later marked the first appearance of super-fast zombies. No, when it comes to the genre, I don’t know zombie movies… but I know what I like. Films like Dawn of the Dead, Shawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Night of the Living Dead, and I Am Legend are among my favourites. They may not all be great, but I enjoy ever last one of ’em.
Unfortunately, as far as I know, no one has decided to set a zombie movie in the most obvious of places — the last playground of the well-to-do, the retired, and the nearly dead: the golf course.
Playing through… with bullets
Think about it: a golf course could be an excellent area to defend. Consider, for example, the Edmonton Country Club. I used to work on the grounds crew during the summer for a few years, so I got to know the terrain really well. It’s right in Edmonton’s river valley, has gullies, water hazards and sand traps aplenty, is fenced off and features two buildings — the club house and the maintenance building — in areas with great sight lines and which feature great points from which to fire all kinds of weaponry.
But not only that, golf courses are a veritable armoury of unconventional weapons and modifiable vehicles, particularly if the rich old farts frequenting the place have become infected, are now dead (even by undead standards) and have left the keys to their Bentleys and Beamers in their pockets.
Fairway mowers, greens mowers (some ride, some push), tractors, weed whackers, giant sheers, chains — hell have you seen the damage a pressure-washer can do?
And let’s not forget the golf cart. While probably not a deadly weapon when used to run an individual over — be they alive or undead — it certainly would give a zombie something to think about other than eat your brains. The electric ones might not be ideal, but they can all be modified to go faster. All it takes is one of those little golf pencils.
Ah, the things you learn working at a golf course.
Puns! Puns abound!
Golf like so many other sports has its own language. Pars, eagles, bogeys, fore, hozzle, 19th hole… Man, there are so many terms you can use describing a shot, a putt and even a slice. Think of the potential for jokes — both good and bad.
[Immediately after a zombie takes a drive to the head]: “Oooh! You know, I think that one had a bit of a slice.”
[Immediately after crippling a zombie’s legs with a five-iron]: “I have a feeling he won’t be making it to the back nine today.”
[Upon seeing a band of zombies driving a golf cart into a gulley]: “Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about letting them play through.”
[After some guy goes off on a zombie, beating him repeatedly until he’s mush, as his friends look on in horror… the guy fixes his hair and adjusts his shirt]: “He didn’t replace his divet.”
Cameos (and maybe the zombie Bob Barker?)
Oh gosh, the potential! Tiger Woods, Lee Travino revisiting his same “shocked onlooker” role from Happy Gilmour. Hell, even Bob Barker could make some kind of Happy Gilmouresque comeback, only as a zombie!
Jesper Parnevik could be one of the supporting characters who’s eventually killed off by the zombie Tiger Woods and an undead nanny. In short: this could be brilliant.
I don’t know the first thing about making movies… Well, that’s not true. I know the first thing, but I lack the equipment, time and resources to do it. So someone else has to. DON’T SQUANDER THIS ZOMBIE-GOLFING OPPORTUNITY. This has “sub-par” written all over it… Oh wait, that’s no good!