FML Friday – whole lotta effin’ going on

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It’s time once again for FML Friday, wherein Adam or I take three recent entries from FML and give them the sound advice they need to stop complaining and get back on track.

Basically it’s an advice column. A very sarcastic, angry advice column.

Fatty-cake, fatty-cake

Today, I found out my boyfriend’s mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it’s delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

As I see it, there are two possibilities here. The first is that your boyfriend’s mother is actually concerned about your health, and is dropping a not-so-subtle clue. In this case, she means well, even if she lacks tact.

The other possibility is that she’s a raging, passive-aggressive c-bomb.

Listen, here’s what you do — first you tell your boyfriend how upset this made you. If he cares about you — at all — he’ll rightly go and talk to his mother, and try and get this sorted out. If he doesn’t do that, I recommend you find out if it’s possible to make a cake out of douche, and name it after him.

Extra-credit extinction

Today, I got a biology quiz back. I had drawn a dinosaur on the back of the page, asking for extra credit. When my teacher handed it to me, I turned it over to see that he had drawn a caveman shooting arrows at my dinosaur. It was bleeding. Profusely. I didn’t get the extra credit. FML

Really? You’re feeling sorry about yourself because your doodle of a dinosaur didn’t get an extra bit of credit on an exam?

First off, you’re lucky to have such an awesome biology teacher. If my bio teacher had found a doodle of a dinosaur on the back of one of my exams, I’d be staying after class for a stern talking to. You? You have a teacher with a sense of humour, who said “no” to your request for extra credit in a hilarious and witty way.

And, frankly, if you’re hoping to make the biology grade with drawings of dinosaurs… you’ve got much bigger things to be worried about than extra credit. Like passing.

Hell, you should ask your teacher for some help studying — he’s clearly pretty nice and would probably be happy to give you a hand.

Gender-confused crush

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he’s also a better looking woman than I am. FML

You selfish whore! How is your life so much worse than this poor gender confused boy’s? He’s the one who needs compassion and sympathy, not you.

Moreover, if you have a problem with his lifestyle then isn’t it better for you to discover it now, when it’s still just a harmless crush? What would have happened if you started dating this guy? Imagine how much more FMLed your life would be then!

Also, don’t feel too bad about him looking better than you in a dress. Drag-queens spend a lot of time making themselves look that good. Unless you’re prepared to turn looking-good-as-a-girl into a full-time job, you’ll never be nearly as fabulous.

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