FML Friday: seriously, day, eff off!

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It’s that time again: Friday. The day where we look at some of the more ludicrous or obviously untrue FMLs and take the writers to task for them. We have FMLs. So we’re trying to inject some interest in them. Tell us if we’re succeeding down in the comments. If we’re not… well, FML, I guess.

Meat: it’s what’s for dinner

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I’m opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole Big Mac. I loved it. FML

Eff your life because you like nasty beef from McDonald’s…? Huh, I never looked at it that way. All that your desire for shitty hamburgers indicates to me is that you’re a closet case of obesity just waiting to happen. And you have a poorly developed palette.

It’s admirable that you had the discipline to not eat meat for 8 years, but what’s absolutely astonishing is that what piqued your desire for meat wasn’t some fabulous slab of prime rib, or even a powerfully seasoned chicken breast… It was a fucking Big Mac.

That’s not a FML, you magnificent douchebag, that’s an epic FAIL.

Marriage fail

Today, my fiancé told me he didn’t have the money to make payments on my engagement ring and that I either have to return it, or make the payments myself. Now we aren’t engaged any more, and are “dating.” FML

You’re “dating,” huh? Why didn’t you “dump his cheap ass” instead?

Look when you get married, you’re required to make all kinds of responsible financial decisions together — the kind of decisions that, if that aren’t made responsibly, can seriously fuck you and your partner over. Your finacé’s snap decision to buy what sounds like a ridiculously expensive engagement ring (at least by his apparent cashflow) should be raising a colossal red flag right about now.

Besides, way to ruin an engagement. If this is the beginning of your life together, I hope it ends as quickly as it started.

Pissed off at potty time

Today, I was potty training my nephew. He had been on the toilet for almost twenty minutes and could not go. My phone started ringing, and as I went to pick it up he knocked it into the toilet. He then proceeded to pee and poop on it. FML

Kids are jerks. My own nephew took a furious dump in his diaper once when I was holding him, and it started leaking out of the sides. It was sick.

But here’s the thing: your FML should have actually ended with FTW. Your nephew peed and pooed on the potty. Your own stupidity resulted in him doing it on your cellphone. I hope your family makes fun of you over this for years to come. But I also hope they thank you for turning a potty-training session into a rousing success.

Also, even though I know it happens all the time, you should never admit to talking to people on the phone in the bathroom, whether you’re the one who’s going or not. It’s wrong.

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2 Responses to “FML Friday: seriously, day, eff off!”

  1. Rachel
    February 1, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    Epic WIN! I love these blog posts.

  2. Adam Snider
    February 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    I still love these, guys.

    But, what I really want to know, is who you end an engagement without ending a relationship. Is that a thing? Do people really do that? F her life, indeed, but it’s at least 50% her fault for not ending the relationship, as you so wisely point out.

    PS: Massive props for this phrase: “You magnificent douchebag.”