Wow, what a week, everyone, am I right? So many things to do, and in that last sentence so many over-used commas. But we made it. And isn’t that what really matters?
So your reward for making in through this fabulous week is another installment of our traditional FML Friday. In this soon-to-be crowd-favourite (soon!), we pick a few posts from the site Fmylife.com and answer them like they’re advice column questions. Because let’s face it: if you’re posting your story to Fmylife, you need advice. Or just a smack upside the head.
A-here we go…
Today, I bought my girlfriend of 7 years a $20,000 engagement ring. Half way through dinner she explains to me that she is pregnant. I’m a virgin. FML
Well, obviously you’re a virgin. And a spineless git as well. What kind of man is such a doormat that he feels the need to spend half the average annual salary of most people on an engagement ring? Honestly, dude, as far as playing it cool goes, you may as well have fail-whale tattooed all over your forehead. $20K for a piece of jewelry? And what were you going to do for a wedding ring, exactly? I hope you realize that Unobtainium doesn’t actually exist, and that you can’t just fly to Pandora, fight some Na’vi and buy this precious metal (or whatever it is) and turn it into a wedding ring.
But you’re such a pathetic man, that you’ll probably wind up giving her the ring, raising some other guy’s child and then going bankrupt both financially and morally.
Today, my girlfriend got braces. She is 23 and thought that braces would make her less attractive. Being the good boyfriend I am I decided to show her she’s not… By getting intimate and letting her [edited for the sake of the children]. Four hours later I’m on a hospital bed getting my gf’s braces off my crotch. FML
Wow, stud. You wanted to show her she’s still attractive, so you let her do sexy things to you? That’s your strategy? Jesus.
Listen, there are many ways to make your main squeeze feel good about herself (for example, never call her your “main squeeze” to her face), and getting her to perform a sex act on you isn’t one of them, particularly when there’s a risk she will become stuck (by the way, I know this FML is fake, because what the hell did she get stuck on? Wouldn’t the pain of the stuckness be more worthy of an FML? Dipshit).
Next time, buy her some flowers, take her out for a dinner in public instead of banishing her face to your crotch, you self-serving prick. Wow, I’m grouchy today.
Shouting sex ed
Today, I took my 12 year old to see a PG-13 movie, thinking he was mature enough. They talked about a penis going into a vagina at one point, and he blurted out in front of the audience, “Mom, what is a penis and a vagina?” No longer can I look at him as a normal 12 year old. FML
Fuck your life? Lady, your child is 12 years old and you haven’t taught him what a penis or a vagina is.
Listen, I know as a dead-beat parent you expect the school system and television to take care of the child-rearing while you spend endless hours on Facebook playing Farmville. But your kid’s twelve. I bet he masturbates. And when he does that, what do you suppose he refers to his penis as? What other words have you taught him?
And you know why you can’t look at him as a normal 12-year-old? Because your negligence has resulted in the fact that he knows nothing about his own physiology.
You, madam, are the reason licenses to have children should be doled out sparingly. I hope child services takes your boy away.