FML Friday: Oh wait, it’s Saturday

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Damn, this FML Friday is late. I chalk it up to me being incredibly busy, and simultaneously lazy. I really really wanted to take the piss out of these people yesterday, but just couldn’t get it together. Big things are afoot in my life, and I got distratced!

So we bring you this FML Friday on a Saturday: a day late and a dollar short. I hope it’s at least entertaining for you.

I’ll have to noodle over it

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? You can’t start a joke with “Three Englishmen walk into a bar,” and have the punchline be “And the German says, ‘Ya das ist nein schpandex lederhosen,'” and expect anyone to laugh. Where the hell did the German come from?

Where the hell did your fork come from? How did you not scald yourself? Where did you learn to tell a story so poorly?

I think the FML here applies to everyone else, since you’ve so thoroughly confused them. And me.

No shit

Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML

Wow, you weren’t kidding. Like you REALLY had to go to the bathroom. You must have fallen pretty damned hard to have shit yourself. This is what Schadenfreudists call “a series of unfortunate events.”

You’re teaching your kid some bad habits. First he puts your wallet in the toaster, which I can only assume is because you’re cheap and on some level he knows this. Then you crap your own pants. What kind of message are you sending?

Oh right! The message is that you’re an incontinent douche with poor parenting skills.

Misnomer

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine’s day because it was a “capitalistic consumerism holiday”. He works in a bank and helps “capitalism consumerism” 364 days a year. FML

In spite of your feeble intelligence, there is a difference. One doesn’t use a bank as a means to acquire useless stuffed animals holding hearts, nor boxes of chocolates. They use it to store money. Sure, money’s involved, and I’ll grant you that banks are a representation of capitalism. But consumerism? That’s a bit of a stretch.

Valentine’s Day, on the other hand, has really become about acquiring stuff and buying things, and marking up consumer products, then convincing people to buy them. Banks don’t do that, exactly.

I rule this FML out of order!

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