FML Friday: Today, today, today

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You know, I’ve been force-feeding myself these FMLs for the last month, all so I can provide their authors with a little bit of advice to avoid further cursing their own misfortune/stupidity. And one thing I’ve noticed that galls me is the fact that every single one begins with “Today,”. This would lead me to believe that the moment the misfortune/stupidity occurs, the victim runs to a computer to declare it to the world.

Or it’s just a style choice.

Either way: dumb.

And either way, we have this week’s installment of FML Friday. Something for you to read over lunch. And then choke on your sandwich. FYL.

Down the pooper

Today, I got stuck in my apartment’s garbage chute. FML

Scant on the details, huh? I wonder what you mean, exactly. Did you try to climb into your apartment’s garbage chute and get stuck about half way down? Did you catch your sleeve on the opening when depositing garbage? Either way, you’re an awful storyteller, and you just haven’t engaged with the reader.

Next time try this: “Today, I’m boring and a terrible writer. FML.”

SMS drama

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I’ve been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I’ve rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

So, you were interested in dating a lunatic who thinks it’s kosher to ask someone out OVER SMS after most human beings in the same timezone have gone to bed. And you believe now that your life is effed because you, like most people, require sleep and aren’t chained to your mobile 24/7.

Listen, buddy, I get it. She’s the girl of your dreams. But ask yourself this: would the girl of your dreams try to interrupt your sleep with some half-hearted late-night text message that said, “Letz go steddy LOLZ!!1eleven,” and then get pissed off when you fail to immediately reply? I doubt it.

The girl of your dreams likely uses her mobile to decode numeric keypads as the two of you wander around the nation solving mysteries and catching bad guys. At least, that’s what the girl of my dreams does, right Rachel?

My girlfriend, the plumber

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

I’m not even sure how to put this, except that my faucet is leaking. Can you come over and fix it? I’ll be your boyfriend (right Rachel?)

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One Response to “FML Friday: Today, today, today”

  1. Rachel
    February 28, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    In the last 30 seconds of the gold medal game the US team tied it up. FML

    But then we came back and won!

    Anyways, in the third FML, the girl claims her boyfriend “called her” but how on Earth did she answer her phone if her bf had flushed it down the toilet?