It’s Friday, and one of the ways we celebrate this auspicious day is by making fun of people. We take some of the entries from FMyLife.com and respond to them like it’s an advice column. An advice column for the oblivious and pathetic. Happy Friday, my loves!
Seeing is believing
Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML
You’re a selfish git, did you know that? Oh, sure your life is hard. You need to have your eyes checked. Meanwhile, the guy who normally checks your eyes has checked so many eyes in his lifetime that it appears to have killed him.
Here’s some perspective for you: you can get a referral, and a new eye doctor. Stop feeling bad because you were inconvenienced by a missed appointment. Someone died and it wasn’t you. Your life is fine.
Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML
A band called Midnight Oil once asked, “How do we dance when our earth is turning? How do we sleep when our beds are burning?” The answer is, you don’t.
When your bed’s burning, you sort out who did it (your little sister), then you call the authorities (the police) and a mental health professional (a child psychologist) and you nip that shit in the bud before little Molly starts torching more important bits of property… like the television or Playstation 3.
Get some ball(s)
Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson “dies” at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML
As someone who cries at every movie — Up, Forrest Gump, Showgirls (but only because I was forced to watch it) — I can only conclude that your girlfriend is a huge jerk. And that you, like me, are a huge pussy.
And that’s cool. Some girls like a sensitive man. While others, like your girlfriend, finds it to be a complete and utter turnoff. And to be fair, you were crying about a volleyball that a crazy man painted a face on.
So yeah, your life is effed. Accept it, move on, and keep the tissue nearby.