[FML Friday]: Only Fallout Boy can save me now

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It’s Friday, and you know what that means: as you while away the hours at work, demanding some proper entertainment from das internetz, you turn your attention to our weekly installment of FML Fridays.

Hey, we understand the occasional need to bitch. But do so in a productive way. Do so in a way that isn’t completely fabricated. And do so in a way that doesn’t make you sound more or less like a complete and utter knob.

Life’s hard. We know this. Philosophers and social scientists the world over have expounded upon it. In the words of Tallahassee in Zombieland: “Time to nut up or shut up.”

And most of you should really, really just shut up.

Like a scene from Total Recall

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

OK, so you either have the biggest bump in human history, or the smallest breasts on record. I can’t see there being any middle ground here.

But there’s obviously something I’m missing here, because most human beings walk with a gait such that their head is thrust slightly forward of the rest of their body. We’re taught to have better posture than this, but most people don’t. This actually leads me to believe that you actually do have the smallest breasts on record, because you were walking in such a way as to deliberately accentuate them, which as you now know is actually really dangerous.

Just be careful with those things, OK?

An infinite number of monkeys…

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

You’d be surprised how many different sophisticated tasks monkeys can perform. But before you sit there the rest of the day wallowing in self-pity, I recommend you really consider what waiting tables involves, at its core: bringing people stuff. People point to the menu, mention an item, and you bring it.

Now the big differentiator between you and a monkey is that you can actually speak, explain, flirt (unless we’re talking about a terribly sophisticated monkey), and really work for those tips. I would suggest that unless you’re functioning only in a work-to-rule capacity, you have nothing to worry about from the monkey-waiter population.

Besides, the Japanese are terribly sophisticated being. I’m sure they could train just about any animal to serve in a tavern, and it would be better than the best western server out there. In which case, yes, Eff your Ell indeed.

WoW, are you ever lucky

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don’t answer my texts. FML

I think it’s time for you to step back from the keyboard and count your lucky stars, young man. Not only is your girlfriend way more popular than you — from which we can infer a variety of things about her character and disposition — but she sticks with you in spite of the fact that you spend presumably a significant amount of your own time sitting in your room playing World of Warcraft.

Your anti-social tendencies make it so that you’d rather plan raids with your online pals than spend time with people in the real world… but YOU STILL HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. This is a feat unto itself, you strange little man. So no one’s Ell is being Effed right now. Be thankful.

NOW GO FORTH, MIGHTY DWARF KNIGHT!

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