[FML Friday]: People are dumb, strange and sick

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The alphabet’s a funny thing. Twenty-six letters forming thousands of words, and all some people can come up with is, “fuck my life.” That’s a sad indictment of the state of western civilization. And while the BBC would have you believe the internet is a revolutionary step for humankind, Fmylife.com obviously sets our species back several millennia.

But that isn’t going to stop me from providing a thorough analysis on this weird little meme. Hey, it’s Friday after all, and that means it’s time for me to take out the old “advice stick” and beat these sad sacks about their virtual heads with it.

Welcome once again to FML Friday.

Dog eat dog

Today, I was eating a hotdog. My huge Siberian Husky, upon becoming aware of this, jumped up on me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and ate the food I was in the middle of eating. FML

You’re a bad person. You know why? Because I have a huge Siberian Husky. Now let’s suppose, at minimum and assuming similar hugeness, we compare our two dogs. When someone is eating in my house, the dog lays down. He’s not allowed to beg, or jump or even whine. If he whines, he’s out. So he knows not to bullshit around super time.

He’s only one year old.

You’re a bad person because if a lazy schmuck like me can train an energetic, half-stupid husky to not be an asshole, then anyone can. You deserved to have that hot dog snatched from your mouth (for the love of pete. Did you experience spontaneous paralysis somehow when this whole thing was going down?). You shouldn’t be permitted to eat again until this dog behaves like a perfect gentleman.

Hot coffee… no, really

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for “hot coffee and dessert”. Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn’t what I’d had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

I feel like you should know not to do this. Isn’t it common sense? She asks you to come in for dessert and coffee… Since when is this a euphemism for sex? Just because you’re invited in doesn’t mean you get laid by default.

If she’d said, “Want to come in for a night cap,” then great! That is very likely to lead somewhere. But coffee and dessert?

You know what, you’re an idiot. This girl obviously likes you enough to invite you to come in and spend some more time with her; she even feeds you some sweet pastries, a nice fresh cup of coffee, and you’re concerned your pants were on the whole time.

AND THEN like a true and utter wang, you told her you thought this was it. That sex was imminent. AFTER YOU ATE HER DESSERT AND DRANK HER COFFEE!

If you’re one of those people who can’t read people at all — and you didn’t know enough to realize this “girlfriend” of yours wasn’t feeling it that night. UGH. You suck, sir. Deeply and without sex.

Dontcha put it in your mouth, uh uh

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I’d forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

I will readily admit to enjoying the “me” time I experience in the bathroom (and no, I don’t mean it that way GUY WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT DESSERT AND COFFEE IS). That smelly solitude — maybe the warmth and companionship of a Reader’s Digest — can be a most relaxing time.

But not once, not ever, not even ON PURPOSE, did I fail to wash my hands afterward. I mean, it’s poop. If there’s even a RISK that you got some on your hand, you wash that thing. Do you understand what I’m saying? I can’t believe I had to read that there’s someone on this planet with access to soap and water who doesn’t wash his hands after utterly devastating the gleaming porcelain in your toilet.

And there’s ALWAYS a risk of “exposure.” No excuses, this isn’t something you should be lazy about. Wash your fucking hands after you go to the bathroom.

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5 Responses to “[FML Friday]: People are dumb, strange and sick”

  1. OvenChicken
    March 12, 2010 at 11:26 am #

    LOL! Great read. It’s sad that we live in a society where these things do actually happen.

  2. teesix
    March 12, 2010 at 11:29 am #

    You know what’s dumb? Using the #yeg hashtag on Twitter to advertise a blog post that has nothing to do with Edmonton.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      March 12, 2010 at 11:45 am #

      Fair enough Teesix. We’re a hyperlocal edmonton-based website and podcast, so we try to attract local readers using the #yeg hashtag. My apologies for directing you here when you didn’t want to be.

  3. dirklancer
    March 12, 2010 at 11:32 am #

    I think all three of these FMLers were just on the Edmonton Journal site leaving comments about the west end shooting story.

  4. teesix
    March 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    By all means, use the #yeg hashtag to promote your blog when the topic involves Edmonton.