We had a request last week… seems we went much to easy on the FML writers. There wasn’t enough spite or vitriol in our responses to really show we meant business.

And let me tell you, fair reader, WE MEAN BUSINESS. We mean it in both official languages. We mean it in Esperanto. But since no one speaks Esperanto, we’ll just deliver the straight goods like we always do: in straight-up, unadulterated, rage-filled English.

Happy FML Friday!

Lap it up

Today, someone thought it would be fun to throw their scorching hot coffee out the window onto the sidewalk. It hit me in the snow globes. FML

I would LOVE to see you walking down the street, back arched, nose pointed directly to the sky, with your junk leading the way. That’s the only way you could have possibly had your jibblies scalded by some errant coffee.

I feel like this is that “Second Spitter” episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry debunks Kramer’s theory that Keith Hernandez spat on him after a Yankees game. I’d wager there is no possible way your “snow globes” — and really, who calls them that? — took the brunt of the caffeine assault you were allegedly subjected to.

Next time you completely fabricate an FML, at least ensure it stands up to scrutiny.

Super-G, wheelchair edition

Today, I was racing downhill on my brother’s wheelchair while he was taking a nap. As the road made a small tilt, I lost control and ran into the curb. I broke my ankle. FML

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it. YOU STOLE YOUR BROTHER’S WHEELCHAIR. I’m sorry to shout, but this certainly merits at least that. If I were standing in front of you, I would smack you on your broken ankle. And I wouldn’t sign your cast.

Maybe leave the seat-jockeying to those with the locomotive experience to manage wheelchairs, yes? They’re like vehicles. And you clearly shouldn’t be operating one.

Fix it!

Today, the doctor told me the abdominal pain I’ve been feeling for the past four days is actually appendicitis and I need to have surgery tonight. I’m living in a third world country attending vet school. There are goats in the parking lot, my final exams are next week, and my birthday is in four days. FML

OK, dipshit, let me simplify this for you: YOU HAVE APPENDICITIS. Whatever your situation, whatever you have planned next week, whenever your birthday is, just forget it. All those considerations are completely irrelevant.

Because YOU HAVE APPENDICITIS. Do you know what happens if it goes untreated? Your appendix could burst, your body would become sceptic I mean “septic” (thanks Alain!), and you’d die. So fuck everything else. Find a surgeon — in another country nearby if you have to — and get yourself sorted out.

Once you’ve done that, maybe reconsider your decision to go to vet school in a third world country that doesn’t provide healthcare.