Finally the week is at an end. It’s time to kick back, enjoy the sunshine, spend a few quatloos on some Romulan Ale… You know, really awesome stuff.
But before any of that happens, we need to look into the dismal lives of FML contributors. Anchors away!
Read between the lines
Today, I left my reading glasses on my bed before leaving for work and didn’t listen to my instinct to move them. I got home after a long day and sat on my bed. Guess who needs new glasses? FML
Listen, I don’t think human being have evolved to the point where we’ve developed instinct about the placement of visual aids. I think you’re just a lazy idiot. Honestly, leaving glasses on the bed — not the bedside table, mind you, but the actual bed — is essentially a guarantee that they’re going to be ruined.
When I get home, I’ll head to my bedroom and before I do anything else (like change into something less business-y) I will actually fall onto the bed. There’s a very good reason why I don’t store thumbtacks, anti-personnel mines, or glasses on my bed.
Today, I was relaxing in a recliner with my cat sleeping on my chest. My cat started to fall off, so she grabbed my neck with her claws to pull herself back up. FML
See, there’s always a risk when it comes to cats, because they are horribly be-weaponed creatures and they will use their weapons in a variety of situations. And you’re probably thinking, “Boohoo, it’s not fair, what did I ever do to my cat.” The answer is, you let your cat sleep on your chest.
I let my cat do this too, but I have the good sense to ensure she isn’t positioned in such a way as to cause me significant harm. You know, like moving her around and adjusting her so she has to reason to gouge my skin out.
This is risky business, this cat snuggling game. And you, my friend, got burned. Look on the bright side: you’ll probably be terrified at your cat now, because you strike me as that kind of overdramatic buffoon.
Today, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the spare keys weren’t lost. FML
This is a weak FML. Where’s the punch? Where’s the panache? Where’s the drama? Where’s the something I can make fun of, other than the fact that you’re terribly boring?
Oh wait, I found it: you suck. Millions of people lock their keys in their car every day. And many of them don’t have spares, so you know what they do? They find themselves a coat hanger, or they call the AMA and they get their shit unlocked.
What they don’t do: piss and moan about how hard their life is on some creepy microblog.