[FML Friday]: The ‘that sucks’ edition

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I spend an awful lot of time making fun of people in these FML Friday posts. Sometimes it isn’t easy. Sometimes I go out of my way to, well, be a dick. Because I think the airing of grievances such as these should be reserved for either:

A. Tumblr.
B. Festivus.
C. Nothing else.

But still netizens post their thoughts and sadness. And so, today, in the spirit of Jesus Christ, who was hatched from a Easter Egg laid by the bunny from Donnie Darko, I present to you the “That Sucks” edition of FML Friday, wherein I try to remain sympathetic to the plight of the pathetic.

Just this once.

Dear John…

Today, I finally received a letter from my wife. I am stationed in Afghanistan. It was written by her lawyer. FML

WHAT DID THE LETTER SAY!?

Just joking. That sucks, dude, but I understand it isn’t terribly uncommon.

And I know it seems like a travesty that you’ve been dodging bullets and following orders while your wife contemplates your marriage and decides to issue this letter without a word of mention to you, but that’s life.

I’m hopeful for you that you’ll eventually find a partner who understands your sacrifices, respects your choice to serve your country and doesn’t run off like some thankless hag when the chips are down.

Best of luck to you, and stay safe out there.

Corny and Nutty

Today, I found out that I don’t digest almonds and popcorn very well. Every time I use the bathroom, it feels like I’m sandpapering my butthole. FML

Yikes. That really sucks.

And you paint a lovely, descriptive picture, don’t you? Popcorn kernels are basically impossible for you to digest in the small amount of time it takes them to pass through your body. But it really sounds like you need to chew your food more, rather than just inhale it.

Still, I sympathize. It sounds painful. Just take your time eating, enjoy the flavours and remember what goes in must come out.

Texts from April Fools Day

Today, there’s nothing worse than thinking it’s funny to send your wife a text on the morning of April fools Day telling her you think she’s having an affair, only for her to phone you back sobbing and saying “I’ve been waiting for months to tell you…” FML

Oh dude. That totally sucks. Talk about a bad joke backfiring.

But I’m all about looking at the bright side in this particular post. So let’s do that:

Now you know. The terms under which you found out are absolutely terrible, but it’s out there in the open and now you can figure out where you go from here. And honestly, it was a terrible joke. I’d wager you don’t make a joke like that unless you’re extremely close with your partner (and it doesn’t seem like you are), or you suspect something.

In any case, cry your tears and get busy moving on. Best of luck to you!

2 Responses to “[FML Friday]: The ‘that sucks’ edition”

  1. Jeff
    April 5, 2010 at 7:01 pm #

    Boo.
    Be more hatey.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      April 6, 2010 at 11:19 am #

      I promise that this week, I’ll be way more hatey.