This is late. I’m a busy man. Eff Em Ell.
No, I’m kidding. I don’t want to Eff my Anything. The new jorb’s going well. The people are nice, my boss hasn’t tried to kill me (except with extreme hot and cold temperatures in my office — something he attributes to “the building” [where the building is obviously someone or someTHING that wants to kill me. FML]), and I have a sweet office, as I mentioned before.
And while all those things might delay me in posting this — those things and my own failure to recall that yesterday was Thursday — they are here for you know, in fabulous internet style.
Enjoy the rage!
The best kind of rejection
Today, I received a rejection letter from a potential employer in the form of a post card. FML
Rejection letters are hard to take. You get your hopes up after the interview, you sit and wait by the phone hoping that someone — ANYONE! — will call and tell you that you are entitled to a salary because of your skills. And then you receive a post card.
A post card? How could you possibly be peeved about this?!
Given the fact that you’re an FML contributor, it stands to reason you’ll receive many more employment rejection letters, and I’ll wager that not a single one will be written on a post card. So you’re one of the lucky few to get the old “Wish you were here” message superimposed on an image of a white-sand beach in Mexico, and on the back, the message, “Actually I don’t wish you were here.”
It could be worse, pal. You could have received a form letter. So impersonal. And so not from Mexico.
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me. When I caught him, he proposed to me. Something is wrong here. FML
WOW, I know, RIGHT? I mean you must be POSITIVELY hearing ALARM BELLS, am I right?! Like, who DOES that?
OK, OK, to be fair your statement, “Something is wrong here” was probably meant to be all ironical and shit. Except, here’s the thing. This is FMyLife. So any kind of nuance or little trick you’re trying to pull off with your writing will be TOTALLY LOST ON EVERYONE.
So you have three problems:
- Your boyfriend’s a douche
- Your boyfriend’s a douche who wants to marry you
- You cannot even do something as simple as consider your audience before you sit down at a keyboard.
Keeping 187 in the family
Today, after school, my mom called me into the family room to see my cousin who was on TV. I ran in, all excited to find that my cousin was on the news for killing someone. FML
I don’t have much to say about this one, except that you’re a selfish sack of shit. Your COUSIN was on the news for KILLING SOMEONE. How is your life effed in any way? Oh sure, it might be effed by association, but get a fucking grip. Your COUSIN is the one who should be writing in the FMYLife.
But I suppose that would count as his one phone call wouldn’t it?