Dawson Bridge Watch™: I think they’re building robots

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In last month’s edition of the Dawson Bridge Watch, I’d sent the city a list of questions… And they thought I was being a jerk. They thought I was being a jerk SO MUCH, that someone in the City of Edmonton traffic division on Twitter even referred to the content on this website as drivel. (His post to that effect has since been removed.) And though he may well have been correct, one thing is very very apparent:

I struck a nerve*.

And what happens less than a month following that post? They cover the bridge in a giant white tarp so we can’t see what’s happening inside. Kind of like cocoon, but much, much larger, sans old people, and without the witticisms of the now-washed-up Steve Guttenberg.

A photo of the Dawson Bridge covered in a white tarp

Not pictured: Steve Guttenberg

Well I had a theory involving robots… that has since been CONFIRMED by my own investigation.** You see, when I went to take these photos, there were all kinds of ungodly noises coming from the bridge. And while the City claims something else entirely is taking place…

A sign warning of a lead paint removal hazard

Still not pictured: Sir Guttenberg

But I’ve seen RoboCop. I’ve seen Terminator. I’ve seen Battlestar Galactica. And I know a robot when I hear one. And I heard several.

I’d like to think this is all part of the city’s new snow removal policy. I mean, you can’t really expect a bunch of trucks to handle the volume of work, can you? No, you need a team of highly-armed, highly-intelligent robots to make sure that there’s less than 5cms of coverage on residential roadways. And really, when you consider all the robots that’ll be required, $800,000 isn’t all that much money.

The question now is, why hide this from citizens? Why build them on the Dawson Bridge? Perhaps so they can work side-by-side with humans, and learn all about construction and such. Or maybe it’s so they can stage a river-valley assault on the good people of Edmonton. For what reason? We may never know…

An image of the Dawson Bridge from the side, possibly depicting robots

Not pictured: Robocop

*If it hasn’t at this point become glaringly apparent that this is a joke, I cannot help you.
**Not really, but it’s fun to pretend.

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7 Responses to “Dawson Bridge Watch™: I think they’re building robots”

  1. Twofer
    May 11, 2010 at 11:09 pm #

    Hey now, the drivel comment was a tweet prompted by an earlier post where you said you couldn’t find any information on the history of the bridge. You cursed the internets and made something up, at which point I invested 10 seconds and found an excellent history from Real Estate Weekly. So the drivel comment was very specific and had nothing to do with your request to the city about whether they’re building a clone army under the bridge deck. As dorky as it is the Dawson Bridge is my favourite bridge in Edmonton — don’t ask me why, I’m as perplexed as anyone — and I miss it. Now since you live in Riverdale, Archie, perhaps you can answer my riddle: just north of the bridge, on the Riverdale side of the river, there’s a small dock with canoes. Who owns that and, if it’s private, how did they get permission to build a dock on the river? And how could you choose Veronica over Betty? I mean really.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      May 12, 2010 at 7:12 am #

      Pffft. The internet! what does it know!?

      *goes and checks*

      Turns out a lot, actually. Hey Twofer, feel free to post that link to the history. I just prefer my own 😛

      As for that dock, I’ve noticed it down there and often wondered myself. I would assume it’s public just because I doubt the city would allow any old person to put a dock there. But on the other hand, I don’t know how vigilant the city is about patrolling the banks of the river.

  2. Mack D. Male
    May 12, 2010 at 9:10 am #

    I love it, keep it up!

  3. Twofer
    May 12, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    The article by Lawrence Herzog is at http://www.rewedmonton.ca/content_view2?CONTENT_ID=822 – a great weekly read if you have interest in local history (or want to buy a house, I suppose).

    Always meant to check it out, maybe head down there with some paddles to see if they’re free for everyone to take and use (wouldn’t that be cool…) but now that the bridge is out I’m far too lazy. S’pose I could cross the river at some other bridge, but I imagine you’ve got Moose posted at key points with his jalopy, warning people to stay out of Riverdale. Bet that’s the first time you heard THAT.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      May 12, 2010 at 11:08 pm #

      Moose isn’t terribly reliable unless Reggie is sexually harassing Midge and we can somehow harness this power. Riverdale is defenseless!

  4. Rachel
    May 12, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

    COMING SOON to the Dawson Bridge (Tent) Venue: CONAN O’BRIEN!

    I guess the city figured it needed its own white tent so that it could compete with the River Cree Casino.

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