[FML Friday]: Epic Fails

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The Friday before a long weekend is always tough. No one wants to be at work — in fact, some people take this Friday off. Like everyone in my office. But I’m not going to leave you, dear reader. I wouldn’t dream of it. Because I’m a robot and robots don’t dream.

Besides, if I’m not here to hook you up with your weekly dose of “hate-tanking” as my good pal Sally might say, then what good am I? I’ll tell you what good I am: not good at all.

So, instead of jamming out on you early this long weekend, I bring you what you’ve waited for all week: some FML Friday action.

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

So, you booted him out of bed, right? And told him to get psychiatric help, right?

Listen, I know some sexual health professionals insist that people to sensitive to the kinks of others. Sex is a highly personal thing, and what works for one person might not work for someone else. But presumably your boyfriend is aware that his particular kink is unusual. And that if he’s going to bust it out, he should probably give you at least a bit of a heads up.

This is really less an FML and more of a #fail.

Today, I was fired from work for faking sick to go to a concert. I asked the boss how he figured out, and he said, “On the 10 o’clock news, I saw you drunk at the bar talking about the show.” I was wearing a chicken suit, and was completely hammered. FML

I’ve always tried to avoid cameras — both still and video — when I’m out and about. Unless I’m deliberately seeking out media attention, keep that stuff away from me. And that’s when I haven’t lied to my employer about being sick.

This is, really again, more an example of your own epic failure than of an FML. I mean, you can feel sorry for yourself all you want. But you clearly brought this on yourself. And an additional note: a chicken suit clearly doesn’t work as an effective disguise. A further additional note: you’re a moron.

Today, I learned my boyfriend had another girlfriend, his excuse was he was bipolar and each of his personalities need a girlfriend. FML

And apparently neither of you has any idea of what bipolar disorder actually is. It doesn’t mean you experience multiple personalities, so much as dramatic swings in mood from extreme euphoria to extreme depression.

You’re boyfriend is clearly using some dumb excuse to cheat. Which makes your relationship a fail. Not an epic one. Actually just a disappointing one.

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5 Responses to “[FML Friday]: Epic Fails”

  1. Eri
    May 21, 2010 at 11:17 am #

    Grammar check your last paragraph? The you’re/your haters will be here any second. 😉

  2. Jeff
    May 21, 2010 at 11:36 am #

    Maybe since we’re sliding into fails it means we’ve heard from everyone who has an L that has been F’d.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      May 21, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

      Are you saying this weekly feature’s been played out!?

      • Jeff
        May 22, 2010 at 2:59 pm #

        No, I think there’s plenty left for you to mine.

        I just think they’re phoning it in a little.


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