It’s another rainy Friday here is the City of Champions. And though the weather might have you down, your emotional salvation lies in taking easy digs at the chumps lousy enough to post their absurd woes at FMyLife.com.
I mean, you think you have it bad? You’ve got nothing on the guy whose dog shat on him, or the woman who was crushed by a television set… Actually, both of those people totally deserved it (as I’m certain you’ll agree). The dude who didn’t deserve what he got, though, was the man who wound up with a face full of spiders.
I know, right? Just read on for the gory details.
Today, while driving from Dallas, Texas, to San Diego, California, my wife’s dog decided to crawl into my lap and poop on me. I didn’t have a change of clothes. FML
I’m a bit ignorant when it comes to the distances between American cities. And while I know that Texas and California are in the same general area of the states (you know, sort of south and west), I don’t know how far apart Dallas and San Diego are. But it’s an important thing to know, because it will determine whether or not you, sir, are a giant, filthy knob of a person.
Dallas and San Diego are 2,192 km apart. That’s at least a 21 hour drive, if Google is telling me what it should be. So, if you’re driving for essentially two days, and you don’t have a change of clothes, you’re a fucking dolt. AND if you are transporting an animal — and let’s face it, animals can be dirty and messy — without a change of clothes, not only are you a fucking dolt, but you’re one of the reasons we should reconsider eugenics.
I mean honestly, what the hell were you thinking? Do you always fail to pack a change of clothes? Did you expect you’d just buy whatever you needed when you got to San Diego? Did you think because it’s California you wouldn’t actually need clothes?
Please, don’t ever reproduce.
What did TV ever do to you?
Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don’t worry, my body cushioned the TV’s fall. FML
Is the TV ok? Does it still work? DO YOU GET HBO?!
Here’s an idea for you, dipshit: get someone to help you next time. Good lord.
Today, I saw some moss growing on my house. Not wanting it to spread, I began to scrape it off. It turns out that it wasn’t moss, but actually a cluster of hundreds of baby spider eggs. After being disturbed, they decided to hatch, and crawled all over me. I suffer from arachnophobia. FML
OK yuck. This is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard. If this happened to me, I think I’d probably kill myself — after pooping and peeing my pants.
Just thinking about this makes me want to vomit. Remember the movie Arachnophobia? Great movie, but more or less solidified by distaste for the little guys. Not even a protracted discussion with an entymologist helped to improve my perception of them.