[FML Friday]: Lilwall edition

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Last week, I reminded you of just how lazy I am. I even got Unknown Studio readers Jeff, Jen and Lilwall to write FMLs for me. Lilwall got really excited and wrote three. I figured I’d save the two I didn’t use for a post sometime in the future when I didn’t really have the time to come up with my own.

THAT DAY HAS ARRIVED.

So on top of my own contribution, we have two more from the overworked Lilwall, whose insights into the lives of these FMLers far exceeds my own.

I know how you feel

Today, I woke up in an emergency room. Why? I hyperventilated and passed out when I found out that my favorite video game is getting a sequel. FML

So, you clearly overreacted. Winding up in the ER because you were that excited is astonishing. Maybe you were hanging out with some alarmist friends who had no idea what to do (for example, I’d have poured a glass of water over your face, and slapped you around a bit. If you were still unresponsive, I’d probably have watched a episode of TNG — you know, the one where the Continuum takes Q’s powers away? — and then if you were still passed out, I’d have brought you to the vet clinic. Because My vet’s a good friend, and I imagine he’d be able to revive you just like he would a cat or a dog).

But I imagine I’d have reacted the same way. In fact, I nearly did when I found out about Fallout: New Vegas. I was all like, “ZOMG!!!1!!eleven FALLOUT NEW VEGAS” and I started dancing around the room pretending to be a Raider. But not a bad Raider. More like a hard-edged Raider who probably wouldn’t just kill a Wastelander Wanderer for no reason, unless they had something I wanted.

Also, I would kill Super Mutants.

But again, this is all going to depend upon the video game in question. I wish I knew what it was because then I’d be able to determine whether or not you’re a total idiot. But given that you decided to share your story with the random people on FMyLife, I’m going with “total idiot.”

Man down

Today, I was hanging out in the pool with my friend, when a really hot guy walked my way. I really liked him, so the next time I saw him, I ‘accidentally’ bumped into him. He slipped and fell into the deep end of the pool. Little did I know, he couldn’t swim. I had to call a lifeguard. FML

I’ll admit, when I first read this one, I didn’t know what to think about this person’s courtship ritual. Perhaps I am old-fashioned, but when I see someone that I find attractive I drop anything that I’m doing, like preforming CPR, to go introduce myself. But, as I though harder on it, I realized that you actually went about this the right way. The first step to starting a relationship with this water-phobic hunk is to get him to notice you.

And you did! I’m sure that when he was looking up from the bottom of the pool, the bubbles from what he assumed would be his last breath floating past, he could make out your silhouette standing at the water’s edge. As his lungs burned and mind dulled from the lack of oxygen, the edges of his vision would have narrowed until it was only you. His chest would have tighten with attraction. Desire. Lack of air.

So keep it up, girlfriend. I hope you got his number when the lifeguard was pulling his unconscious form from the pool. Give the guy a couple days to recover before calling him up. On your first date, perhaps you could meet him at the door by headbutting him in the nose. And make sure that if you go out to dinner, ask the waiter to sneak something that the guy is deathly allergic to into the meal.

Trust me, he will never forget your name. Which he will need to fill out the request for a restraining order.

Always know where your towel is

Today, my brother came over and threw a fit because I didn’t have any soda. Sick of his whining, I took all the toilet paper out of the bathroom so he’d have to beg me for something to wipe his butt with. Instead, when my brother came out of the bathroom after taking a dump, he told me I would need to wash my towels. FML

Most advice columnists would say that you and your brother have a communication problem. But, most advice columnists are idiots. You guys communicate with something more effective than words: terrorism. If you had just told him that his whining bothered you, he might not have gotten the clue. Just like how you are now fully aware of how much your brother loves having a clean ass. These are things words cannot fully explain.

So, instead of telling you to change your ways, i just made a quick list of other tactics you can use when he does something that bothers you.

  • Doesn’t put the toilet seat down when using your washroom: set fire to his room. (See last week’s FML post if you need help.)
  • Forgets to pick you up at the airport: try to get him deported to a country that waterboards people for traffic violations.
  • Borrows a CD and doesn’t return it: try to drown him. (#2 can show you how.)
  • Forgets your birthday: Kneecap him with a powerdrill. He’ll never walk again.

You seem pretty creative, so do whatever feels right. Because nothing will help you guys connect as adults like acting like the miserable little shits you must have been when you were both kids.

That’s all that I’m legally obligated to do for today. Than you very much to Adam for letting me live my dream as an advice columnist. Now to move on to my next project: “Lady-Killer Dragon-Mouth,” my planned series of sexy, sexy fantasy novels.

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5 Responses to “[FML Friday]: Lilwall edition”

  1. Jeff
    June 18, 2010 at 6:36 pm #

    I keep searching “Lady-Killer Dragon-Mouth” at Amazon and get zilch. Hurry up and publish!!

    • Adam Rozenhart
      June 19, 2010 at 10:40 am #

      I wonder if the book would be funny or tragic…?

      • Jeff
        June 19, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

        Sexy, Adam, it will be sexy. Nothing else matters.

        • Adam Rozenhart
          June 20, 2010 at 10:18 am #

          Sexy and tragic? Or sexy and funny?

          Dammit, Jeff, I need to know these things!

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