Anyone who knows me knows I’m a busy guy… a busy guy with a huge procrastination problem. In order to ensure that problem doesn’t get out of control, I’ve mastered the time-honoured skill of passing the buck. Which brings us to this week’s edition of FML Friday…
Oh sure, I put it off again. But rather than suffer through having to write clever responses to stupid FMLs (which, now that I think about it, is kinda like “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” in MAD Magazine), I’ve enlisted the help of the Twitter hive mind. Unknown Studio pals Jeff, Jen and Lilwall provide answers to what ails you in this week’s edition of me passing the buck. Enjoy and have a great weekend!
Halloween and realism
Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML
@journalistjeff: “First off, they have illustrated FMLs!!! So, that’s cool.
“Now, onto the topic at hand. F your L? F YOUR L?! What are you talking about? That guy may or may not be a coke head, but he’s a zombie fighting machine. And we may or may not need those one day. Soon.
“He was ready for the zombie invasion. Heck, he’s probably not even on cocaine. Or cola. He’s probably just been preparing for the zombiepocalypse and what you mistook for a twitchy, nervous drug addict was just keen zombie preparedness. He’s going to need that edge, and heightened senses when the dead rise again.
“Unless he’s just a coke head and you live in a terrible neighbourhood. Then your L may be F’d. But I’m siding with the zombie-fighter.”
Big baby Coin-face
Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML
@steenyweeny: “Wow hippie, talk about glass half empty — you’ve got this all backwards. The guy in the car helped you out in two ways.
“First of all, you have some money now and money is great. I suggest that you use the money to buy a frozen tofu steak to put on your eye, so that the swelling doesn’t get out of control. Secondly, you have a bruise on your face, and chicks dig scars. What you need to do is think of a better explanation as to how it got there. Try something like you were rescuing some kittens or protesting against the seal hunt, because everyone likes stories that involve cute baby animals.
“So now you have your nice, big (but not too big thanks to that tofu steak) bruise, and new story about how you got it when you were struck in the face while rescuing some kittens. You take this bruise and story down to drum circle tonight and BAM! that cute chick won’t be able to resist you! She’ll come home with you, you’ll fall in love, get married and have lots of little patchouli babies.
“You can thank both me and the guy in the car on your wedding day.”
You’re fired… get it?
Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. She’s pressing charges. FML
@scott_lilwall: “I’ll admit, I am a bit iffy on if this FML offering is real. Not because the guy says he learned fire-breathing to impress women: that rings true with me. Whenever I hit the bar, I pull out every circus trick I know to woo the ladies – sword-swallowing, eating lightbulbs, that kind of thing. Sometimes, when someone really catches my eye, I’ll even show them Wiggles, the conjoined twin I have growing out of my abdomen. Cause I’m a playa like that.
“So, it’s not the fire-breathing thing that smells fishy. It’s the fact that he learned it on the Internet. I’ve been on the Internet almost four times, and there is nothing educational on it. Just dyslexic cats, narcoleptic dogs and the porn in every colour of the rainbow. A perverted rainbow you can look at for only $29.99 a month.
“So, Mr. Lady-Killer Dragon-Mouth, I think you are a liar. But, on the off chance you aren’t, here’s my advice: your chances with this girl are over. ‘Setting fire to her room’ is third on my list of Relationship Ending Moves. (Number two is ‘sleeping with her sister.’ Number one combines the two in to ‘setting her sister on fire.’)
“So, she is going to dump you. But don’t worry, because you have a skill that has you set for life: lung capacity. Seriously. I’ve seen fire-breathers before. They usually have enough oomph in the old chest for an impressive, but brief flash of flame. You are able to take out half a room! That’s a sustained blast. With lung power like that, you have the pick of sexy professions. Like, a diver who salvages gold dubloons from pirate ships. Or a garbage man.
“Not as hot as ‘guy with a deformed, shrieking twin growing out of his side,’ no. But still, you’ll do alright for yourself.”