Well, kids, we’ve made it. Friday has arrived, and she really couldn’t have come soon enough. Clichés like “it’s been one of those weeks” come to mind. And even though we asked Friday if she could hurry along, and maybe bump Wednesday — because we honestly didn’t think we would be able to make it this far — Friday failed to heed our request, as she so often does.

Our only solace is our high-and-might attitudes, particularly when it comes to the mouth-breathing dinks who frequent the FMyLife.com website. It’s time to give these douchebags what-for. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do.

From behind

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, “I need a nap,” but my iPhone changed it to “I need anal.” I sent it. FML

Hahahahaha!

Ha!

Ha!

…

Hahahahahaha!

You must have been typing so fast and then smashing the every-loving shit out of that send button to have made such a terrible (or serendipitous, depending on your outlook) mistake. What I want to know is what happened next. Are you a man/woman of your word? Did you think, “Well, I really could have used a nap, but I said what I said, and I’m sticking to it”? Because that would have been the honourable thing to do.

You can sleep when you’re dead.

Rookie mistake

Today, I was told that I do not meet the minimum qualifications for a job that I was promised to get by just applying. To top it off, I had to quit my teaching job to get it, because I could not be under contract and apply for this job. FML

I like to think I know a thing or two about job hunting, applying for jobs, and even occasionally getting jobs. And all the dominant wisdom on the subject says that you should never quit your job unless you have a solid, on-paper offer that you’ve signed, sealed and delivered (there’s a second cliché for you… stay tuned for the third and final one). I fail to see how you can’t apply for a job just because you’re under contract. If that were the case, then it would be a total mystery as to how people move on to new positions.

You’re a gullible little sod, and I’m sorry you lost your job. But to borrow a common phrase from FMyLife.com: you deserved it.

The old pressed flesh trick

Today, after staying at my boyfriend’s house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn’t lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

You’re dumb. Plain and simply an idiot.

Few showers have doors that swing open (as opposed to sliding open) into the shower — only ones built by short-sighted idiots. So if you’d paused to think about for even a split second, you’d have realized what an ill-advised — and frankly a decidedly unsexy — attempt at seduction that was.

They say love means never having to say your sorry (cliché #3!), but you should apologize for making an ass of yourself.