Today we look to the wisdom of clichés, as guest respondent “Swami Clichet” takes a crack at answering these insipid, vacuous first-world problems with the class and style of a man who wears swimming goggles as reading glasses. He’s just that weird, friends.

Take it away, Swami!

One small step for weirdo…

Today, the first step I took this morning resulted in a blood-gushing cut on my foot. FML

Swami says, “Don’t throw stones in a glass house, because if you do — maybe while sleep-walking or something — you’re going to wake up and fuck up your feet on all the broken glass.”

Social media for weight-loss (ask us how!)

Today, I posted a picture on Facebook. Somebody commented on it, saying “I notice you have a treadmill in your basement, try using it.” 21 people liked the comment in about 15 minutes. FML

Swami says, “It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a group of friends on Facebook to make you realize that you actually are a chubby fat-ass.”

Wand compensation

Today, I got a tattoo based on the Harry Potter books. My dad’s response was “I now fully understand why you’re still single.” FML

Swami says, “The meek shall inherit the earth, but a dork like you is going to need more than a Patronus spell to keep your ass from being kicked when people see your lame tattoo.”

A rube and his car

Today, I lost my car in a bet that Germany would crush Spain in the World Cup. FML

Swami says, “A fool and his money are soon parted, but it takes a special kind of asshole to ignore the wisdom of Paul the Octopus and lose his car in the process.”

Coming out of the closet

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

Swami says, “Often a noble face hides filthy ways, but even a lazy, entitled noble has the good sense to launder his clothes before they’re discarded in his closet, you sick fuck.”