You know, I really dug the quick hits from last week so I’m doing it again! And since I also believe the interest in this little FML Friday venture is wearing thin, I’ll also add that July will be our last month of FML Fridays. That’s right, we’ll be nixing them. Because kicking a dead horse, while fun, is also messy and tiresome.

But you have us for the next four weeks. The beginning of the end!

A blond walks into a bar…

Today, I went on a second date with this guy I really liked. It was going well until his friend popped in our date and began telling blonde jokes. My date joined in and told blonde jokes for the remainder of our date. I’m Jenny, his very blonde date. FML

Blond jokes? Did you go back in time to 1988 to go on this date or something? Tell the retard parade to cram it, and go date a real man (preferably a brunette).

Jelly nose

Today, I broke my nose opening a jar of jelly. FML

This is a feat… of what I’m not sure. You know you’re supposed to use your hands to open a jar of jelly and not a gas-powered pogo stick, right?

Hobo hootenanny

Today, I was walking home from work when a hobo checked me out, asking which alley I live in. FML

You need to be more sensitive. The only world this poor beggar knows is the hobo world. He’s looking for someone he can relate to. And you’re judging him because he thinks you’re a hobo? How about fuck you?

Mother’s day

Today, it was my mother’s birthday. I wanted to be nice this year, and give her roses, chocolate, and a book of tips on how to stay young. She yelled at me for accusing me of thinking she’s an old wrinkly granny. FML

Listen dude, if you can’t see why this would piss your mom off, you’re beyond help. The book completely nullifies the other two gifts. You can claim she misinterpreted your gesture, just like I can claim that you’re an insensitive prick.

Sun spots

Today, I got so sunburnt, I now share a color palette with a tomato. FML

Literally FOR DECADES, meteorologists, other scientists, parents, teachers… damn near everyone has been advising people to do two things: wear sunscreen, and don’t spend all your time out in the sun. Since you haven’t been listening for 30 years, you deserve to have a tomato-like complexion.

blond jokes, broken nose, hobo cat calls, sunburn, wrinkly granny