OK, the title would suggest that this week’s FML Friday is going to be truly epic. I wish that were the truth.
The ACTUAL truth is these FMLs stay at the same level of quality: bunch of first-world problems from whiny little sucks. But even after all this time, even in spite of the fact that this whole FML Friday dream ends at the end of July, all of this — THIS! — makes it worth it.
Now let’s hear it from the morons:
Today, I was getting ready to go to the movies with friends. I was brushing when my dad walked into the bathroom and said I couldn’t go anymore. He thought I wanted fresh breath to make out with some guy. FML
Wow, so your dad’s a paranoid fuck, huh? What does he do when you apply deodorant? “Oh no, little missy. I won’t have any daughter of mine with one of those DISGUSTING TATTOOS polluting her body! No! Off to the convent with you!”
Oh no you di’n’t, girfren!
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She happily said yes. After a few minutes of kissing, she said, “Wait, does this mean we have to live together?” FML
Aren’t you lucky! You’ve known this girl awhile, and she’s been able to fool you into thinking she’s smart enough to marry. Then, just after you get engaged, she reveals her true brain power. Just in time for you to get out of Dodge without entirely ruining your life.
Slippery when wet
Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML
WAIT! STOP! WE NEED TO GET ALANIS TO DO ANOTHER VERSION OF “ISN’T IT IRONIC”! Or, no, hang on… no we don’t. Drink some fuckin’ milk, mmmmkay?
Ai haz a sadbrow
I’m going to assume you feel sad about this as well. Does that mean, then, that because of your sadbrows, you look REALLY sad? Like, suicidal, even? I bet if you feel happy and where that winning smile, you just look like you have a neutral expression. Oh, yeah: sad.
Never turn your back on the… uh, artificial ocean
Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML
Oh man! That’s badass! Did someone videotape it? Did they send it to FAIL Blog? SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE OF THIS HILARITY!