The Perfect City Council

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As we approach election day, city government is on everyone’s mind. Or, at least, it’s on The Unknown Studio’s mind. And yes, The Unknown Studio has a mind, formed by a gestalt of Adam and myself. It’s pretty awesome.

But that’s a topic for a different day.

Today, we’re talking about city council. As October 18th looms closer, there’s been a lot of coverage on the various contenders for mayor and city council. And… it’s an interesting and diverse group, to say the least. But, the question remains – who would make the perfect city council?

I’ve done the research, looked at the portfolios, and listened to the word of mouth. And I can definitively say that I have calculated what would be the perfect city council, and I’m going to run them down for you.

MAYOR – Mike Haggar

First of all, we need someone to lead our rag-tag band of civic servants. Someone with the elbow grease and the know-how to bring people together on issues, and the conviction to make the tough decisions. He should also be very physically imposing.

Obviously, that means that Mike Haggar is the name you should be checking in the voting station this election.

Haggar is a former professional wrestler turned politician. He’s passionate about family, and about his city. And when the going gets tough, Haggar rips off his shirt, and kicks some ass.

A very tough stance on crime.

Fuck yes.

That’s not only the kind of mayor our city needs – it’s the kind of mayor our city deserves!

WARD 1 – Hank Hill

Edmonton is fundamentally a blue-collar city, and Ward 1 is perfect exemple of that fact. It has some rural territory, and some older neighbourhoods – mixed in with newer development and bordering on those ritzy St. Albert folks.

For Ward 1, we need a folksy man. A man with simple values, his feet on the ground, and a hard work ethic. I submit that Hank Hill is your perfect candidate.

A conservative family man who values a hard day’s work, but with moderate opinions on matters that most people are agreeable about. And when he feels strongly about an issue (usually related to the underdog), Hill will stand up, put his foot down, and “tell you whut.”

If he doesn’t like the way the other “intellectuals” and “liberals” on council run things, he’d be a strong – but level-headed- voice of opposition.

WARD 2 – Lee Adama

Ward 2 is a hotly contested area this election because of the presence of the most important asset in the city. I refer, of course, to the City Centre Airport. As such, this ward needs a politician who is at once knowledgeable in the legal issues surrounding this controversial landmark, and an able pilot – thus capable of seeing both sides of the issue.

I present to you candidate Lee “Apollo” Adama.

Adama is a lawyer, and former Viper pilot. He’d be willing to take a serious look at all the information regarding the airport, from both points of view, and make a call on what should be done with it in the future. And he’d stick to his guns once that call was made.

A former member of the armed forces, Adama is also suited to help deal with issues concerning military families in our city.

He’s an able leader, a man not afraid to make hard decisions, and he’s easy on the eyes. He is, in a nutshell, the perfect candidate for this hotly contested part of the city.

WARD 3 – Keiko O’Brien

Ward 3 reaches northward, with some new developments. It’s a part of Edmonton that is growing, thriving, and in need of careful guidance. This is a ward where a patient councillor will do well, listening to the needs of their constituents and taking those issues to city hall.

Candidate Keiko O’Brien is just such a person.

A former school teacher, and a botanist, O’Brien is a woman who has that tempered patience to deal with this part of our city. She’s also family oriented, raising two kids while her husband serves in the armed forces.

Her measured approach will also form an excellent counterpoint to the hot-headed businessmen, passionate advocates and eccentric intellectuals she’ll be dealing with on a daily basis in city hall.

Indeed, O’Brien might be the sober, folksy opinion that Mayor Haggar will turn to when he needs a second thought.

WARD 4 – Dr. Gordon Freeman

Edmonton’s Ward 4 can best be summed up in one word: “vast”. It’s a huge swath of territory mixing Clairview with the rural north-east. It needs a councillor who can get around – quickly if need beand get things done. Ward 4 is an area with eye toward development, and is already very transit oriented.

I propose that you should be voting for Dr. Gordon Freeman.

Freeman is a man with a scientific background, giving him an advantage when it comes to understand newer technologies. He’s also used to getting around in crisis situations – making him the man of mobility who can represent this huge ward.

He may not say much, but that’s because he saves his opinions for when they matter. Yes, with Freeman on council, you can be certain that our city would definitely be on track for the future.

WARD 5 – Dr. Henry Philip McCoy

On the west edge of the city, Ward 5 is a fairly green area  that borders on a great deal of our lush river valley. It’s an older part of the city, and it’s partly rural – a mishmash of people and neighbourhoods that requires a measured, intelligent councillor to represent it’s diverse needs.

It goes without saying that Dr. Henry “Hank” McCoy is a man of diverse skills, who can deal with the needs of the people of this ward. You just have to learn to look past his rather unnerving appearance.

A scientist and activist, McCoy is dedicated to helping build a better future for everyone. Indeed, he’d take a very long view of the city as a whole, and thus would be a great asset to the entire council – while still dealing earnestly with the day-to-day issues of his ward.

Ward 5 could do much worse that a (literally) blue-collared intellectual.

WARD 6 – Oswald C. Cobblepot

The very heart of downtown requires a councilman who understands the urban lifestyle, and wants to see a thriving cosmopolitan centre. We need a visionary who can not only help bring business into the downtown core, but can deal with the crime that inevitably follows.

With this in mind, I think it’s fairly obvious the kind of businessman we need representing the downtown interest. Enter, Oswald “The Penguin” Cobblepot.

The Penguin is a “legitimate” businessman with an interest in the nightlife. He understands what it takes to run a successful club, and draw people to it – and that’s a skill he can use to help liven up our downtown.

Oh, sure, The Penguin has some questionable connections throughout the city – but I personally think it’s much better to have him using those connections to help benefit our city. And with an ear to the street,  The Penguin can help mitigate the worst crime.

WARD 7 – John Francis Donaghy

Like Ward 6, Ward 7 is an inner city ward that is currently dealing with money issues. It’s a run down neighbourhood that is dealing with underfunding. The people in Ward 7 need a go-getter; someone to take the bull by the horns and make change happen.

Of all the candidates, that man is none other than Jack Donaghy.

Donaghy is a man who loves a problem – a problem that he will devote his entire being to solving. Underfunding – done, he’ll squeeze city hall until he gets every penny he can get. School closures – no problem, he’ll get leverage on the school board and make sure those schools stay open. Red tape – ha! Donaghy spits at your red tape.

He loves dealing with bureaucracy almost as much as he loves making money. He’s exactly the kind of magnificent son-of-a-bitch Ward 7 needs as it’s representative – and further, he’ll be a strong, conservative voice on council.

WARD 8 – Brian Griffin

As the ward that contains both the University of Alberta, and the heart of Old Strathcona, it’s pretty safe to say that Ward 8 is fairly… liberal leaning. A successful councillor will tap into that energy from their constituents, and bring their politics to city hall.

And so, Brian Griffin is an exemplary choice for Ward 8.

A staunchly left-leaning candidate, Griffin is also vocal in his politics to the point of douchebaggery. Beyond that, though, he’s intellectual, fairly environmentally conscious, and is a patron of the arts – all things that will resonate with the people of his ward.

He’d be a solid voice for his ward, and wouldn’t be afraid to stand up to Mayor Haggar on issues that are important to him.

WARD 9 – Gomez Addams

Ward 9 is part new and affluent, and part older and rural. It’s a place of contradictions, where new money meets old money. It’s a place that requires a councillor who is one part millionaire, one part visionary, and one part insane.

No one fits that description more perfectly than candidate Gomez Addams.

A man of refined taste, wealth and class, Gomez can easily charm his way into the hearts and minds of the citizenry. Couple that with an opinion on every issue – ill-informed or not – and he’d bring an interesting point-of-view to every council session.

That, and swords.

Sure, he’s an eccentric – but maybe Edmonton needs a little eccentricity to help spruce up city politics.

WARD 10 – Dinah Lance

A significant portion of our city’s ravine system runs through Ward 10, and it’s situated off campus which lends itself to a younger group of residents. Crime, like in so many other parts of the city, is a concern here. People in Ward 10 want to know they can walk home at night without fear.

Without a doubt, candidate Dinah Lance intends to make a difference in this part of the city.

Romantically linked with billionaire philanthropist Oliver Queen, she’s a woman who cares for those in need and is willing to stand up to those who take advantage of them. Drugs and prostitution would be problems she would work hard on – and off – council to deal with city wide.

The people of Ward 10 would rest easy knowing that Lance is watching out for them – day and night.

WARD 11 – Leia Organa

Centred around Millwoods, Ward 11 is a culturally diverse area. It’s a part of the city noted not only for it’s residential, but also for it’s industrial. It requires a steady, level headed leader who can bring people together, and advocate for the rights of workers in our city.

The candidate we should look to is Leia Organa.

Sure, she’s from a wealthy background – one might even say she comes from royalty – but don’t let that fool you. Organa is a woman who is passionate about those she represents, and she’ll fight for them on any issue.

She’s also a uniter, used to bringing people of diverse backgrounds together, and uniting them on a common cause. And she’s a strong believer in peace and in justice – so you can be pretty certain she’ll have a fairly tough stance on crime – something many Millwoods residents have concerns about.

WARD 12 – David Xanatos

As the city continues to spread southward, newer, majestic neighbourhoods are springing up. Ward 12 is a perfect example of this, as the city sprawls toward the undeveloped rural territory to the south. And with that in mind, the ward needs a visionary who can help shape it as it develops into the future.

And no candidate has more vision than David Xanatos. A businessman, media-mogul, and a man who will mould Ward 12 in his own image. His own slick, developed, high-tech vision.

Yes, indeed, high-tech industrial is Xanatos’ game, and it’s a game he’ll bring into Ward 12 full force. A new vision for businesses in Edmonton’s future – one in which computers and technology supplement the money flowing through our refineries.

Xanatos would also advocate alternative energy, alternative fuel sources, and plenty of other alternatives to the issues facing the city. He’s the kind of man who could one day run Edmonton – and likely intends to. Xanatos 2013?

So there you have it – the perfect lineup for 2010. Make a note of which of these candidates are running in your ward and be sure to vote for them – with these 13 leaders, we have nothing to fear for the future.

Go get ’em, Edmonton!

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3 Responses to “The Perfect City Council”

  1. selenized
    October 1, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    Other bonus for Xanatos: after he builds his massive scottish castle, Edmonton will have some re-vivified gargoyles to protect it. That said he has some unsavoury business connections, both with gangs of thieves and with supernatural forces. Also having Oberon and Titania as his in-laws might alienate the Christian base.

  2. Evan
    October 2, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    Wow, epic city council, and I got every reference! Win.

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