Mini-eggs, Nazis and FML

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Few things are better than the end of a long week. But for many of us, myself included, this is the end of the sort week — all because hundreds of years ago, rather nice man was nailed to a tree. As a result, we celebrate his life and death by eating small eggs in a candy shell.

Yes, friends, Easter is the tops. But so are people who believe their Ells are so Effed, that they forget how good they have it — i.e., very few of them have actually been nailed to trees. So I’ll provide them with some sage and timely advice, while gorging myself on sweet mini-eggs.

Space… the final frontier

Today, I tried to convince my daughter that the “To boldly go where no man has gone before” speech is from Star Trek, and is not an actual historical speech by the first man on the moon. She has decided to include it in her university essay on Neil Armstrong anyway. FML

Well, the good news is that you’re both wrong, mind-douche. If you have a university degree, I’d like for you to please hand it in to me. Now go jump off of something very very high up.

Some cursory research on the United Federation of Internets™ indicates that the “to boldly go” phrase — which is something grammar Nazis still argue over because of the split infinitive in it — comes from a pamphlet published in the late 1950s by the Presidential Science Advisory Committee.

Still, I think it captures the spirit of both Neil Armstrong and James T Kirk, who both fought Gorn-like creatures on far-away planets.

More chair than man

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I’m underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is “Anne Frank”. FML

I’m going to assume that part of the reason you don’t like the nickname is because you’re a dude. I can sort of understand that, but you should probably suck it up.

Awesome nicknames are hard to earn, and though this one identifies you as girl, it also identifies you as someone who OUTSMARTED THE NAZIS. You beat the Man, man! Embrace the name you earned so well.

Oh, and if you ever need someone to buy booze for you, just leave me out of it.

You can’t squeeze sex from a rock

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying “I can’t wait to f*ck later.” I replied saying, “Couldn’t we just spend time together?” Her response was, “What are you, a girl?” FML

You actually have it pretty good, friend.

Oh sure, your lady wants you to satisfy her, not with snuggles, but with steaming-hot lovin’. So she’s offended… she’s trying to shame you into doing it, like some kind of Sex Nazi (and I have now mentioned Nazis in each of these entries. Success, maybe!).

But remember this: you can always snuggle AFTER you do the deed. So embrace the kink. And stop acting like a girl.

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