Sweet Zombie Jesus, it’s FML Friday

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By the time you read this, I’ll be on my way to Saskatoon — Toontown, they call it. They recently eliminated the Red Car there (some new outfit called Clover Leaf bought it), and their mayor’s name is Judge Doom. He resembles a young Christopher Lloyd. Or so I’m told…

OK, so Saskatoon is nothing like Toontown. If it were, there’d be a speakeasy with Jessica Rabbit as its star and a gorilla-like bouncer. BUT A MAN CAN DREAM, CAN’T HE?

Onto the sweet, sweet advice…

Boyfriend’s got whatever the opposite of back is

Today, I had finally convinced my self-concious, anxiety-prone boyfriend to get intimate with me. He couldn’t undo my bra clasp and started panicking so bad we had to call it off. Back to square one. FML

I can’t believe I even have to tell you to ditch this useless sack of crap, but on behalf of everyone who wasted the two seconds it took to read this, please ditch this useless sack of crap.

I’ve undone a lot of bra straps in my day. Some of those bras were even attached to women. At no point in any of these undoings was I so upset about what was happening that I needed to stop. If anything, I turned into a hilarious and blubbering turd that was overly excited and eager. Given the context of your situation, this would have been completely acceptable. And any person worth their salt would find a way — any way — to take advantage of this.

I’m sorry to say you’re wasting your time. And ours. Move on. To pornography, if you have to.

Vader? I hardly knew her!

Today, while talking to my girlfriend, the subject of Darth Vader came up. That’s when she asked me, “Aren’t Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker the same person?” I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that she asked me that, or the fact that I got upset over her lack of Star Wars knowledge. FML

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what’s worse: kissing your sister. Just ask old Lucas Von Skywalker. Oh sure, his papa cut of his hand then waved his fist in the air like he just didn’t care. But I think we can all agree that that wasn’t step one towards incest. Kissing your sister, though? In front of a bunch of droids, or Ewoks or whatever? Yeeeeeeah…

But I can understand why you got upset. I mean CLEARLY Luke isn’t a dark lord of the Sith. And CLEARLY the potential for you to obtain sex of any kind, using the force or not, is not on the table anymore.


What would Jesus do?

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

Every now and then, I come across an FML that should not under any circumstances be an FML. This Good Friday of 2012 is one of those times. I don’t know what Christian accountability partners do. but after reading your FML, I know I want one. To maintain those good Christian values that apparently result in “ironic” sex.

You, son, are living the dream. And worrying about the irony of getting laid by a fellow Christian is neither ironic nor worthy of an FML. Go forth and worship, youngling. And remember: Luke and Vader kissed in Star Trek, and may the Force live long and prosper, Jim.

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One Response to “Sweet Zombie Jesus, it’s FML Friday”

  1. @buck75
    April 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    The irony is this? Scroll down, to the section about choosing a partner.