Boyfriends, girlfriends and FMLs

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Relationships, right, people? I mean, what more is there to say? So onerous are relationships that the popular social network Facebook includes “it’s complicated” among users relationships statuses. Fucked up, I know.

OK, so we all know relationships are complicated, and we’re at least a little bit familiar with the everyday, run-of-the-mill complications. However, the advice we’re offering to these poor FMLers today doesn’t come from run-of-the-mill stories.

iPhone smell test

Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone’s screen was damaged beyond repair while the doctor pulled it out of my daughter’s vagina. FML

We’ve all heard of kegel muscles — at least those among us who used to listen to the Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johanson. So we know the vagina is a powerful contraption that, if it were a person, would be stronger than the Incredible Hulk. So it makes sense that it could damage an iPhone’s screen.

But that’s not what’s interesting about this issue. What’s interesting is that the iPhone was inside a vagina at all. Now we all know there are apps for everything nowadays. But insertion apps related to sexual pleasure? Somehow I doubt that would make it through the App Store approvals process. And if you were using an iPhone as a sexual aid… listen I have an iPhone and running my hand over its edges tells me it’s neither completely smooth nor “ribbed” in a way that would be satifying.

But yes, your daughter’s boyfriend is dumb. Not because he put an iPhone into your daughter and now he’s freaking out that it doesn’t work… Oh wait, no that’s exactly why.

Engagements and dark magic

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she’s actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a “psychic” who mumbled some shit about me having “a dark aura.” FML

You know, if I was a little iffy about an engagement, the first place I would go to would be a psychic. Because I’d want to take out and project my anxiety on some hapless douche who preys on the weak. But it sounds like your fiancée IS that hapless douche — a complete idiot, as you say. So here’s what you have to be happy about: you and your “dark aura” don’t have to marry a moron, and you don’t have to explain to friends and strangers why your prospective wife chugs hot cups of tea, burning her mouth, and then stares at the bottom of her cup.

Trust me: you dodged a bullet on this one.


Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he’d finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

This was obviously something really important to him. It’s very possible he’s never been able to give a girl an orgasm. He probably couldn’t even give most girls flowers, based on what little I know about him. But hey, if he thinks sneeze suppression constitutes sexual success, I say don’t burst his bubble (because then, F his L, am I right?). At least, not until he does something terribly wrong during the course of your relationship. Then you can take this sneezegasm and shove it in his face.

Photo “talk to the hand” from Mahalie Stackpole’s Flickr.

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