Now on Saturday! It’s FML Friday!

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Very few things are better than creating a long weekend out of nothing more than a vacation day, and Saturday and Sunday. That’s precisely what I did yesterday¬†at the precise time of this writing. I took the day off. I even took the day off from writing FML Friday, which is why this one appears on a Saturday, just moments after ¬†midnight.

So here’s your late business. Enjoy the irreverence!

Birthday hand

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I’m having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

So rather than stand there ringing your hands like some useless piece of useless, feeling bad for yourself so much that you need to write an anonymous comment on a website, and sit your wife down and calmly explain to her why she’s being an unreasonable moron, and how this is the reason you can never do nice things for her.

Honestly, if the Battle of the Sexes is your thing, there’s no better time than right fuckin’ now to gain the upperhand. Nothing makes another human feel like more of an asshole than when they become irrational conspiracy theorists, when people are just trying to do something nice for them.

Gain the upperhand, dumb internet person. This might be your one and only chance.

Get it together

Today, the person I’ve been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I’ve been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

Like any good Christian, I’ve heard the phrase” God helps those who help themselves” more times that I care to count. Seriously, I can’t do it. I feel like I need God’s help in order to count. Oh, but God won’t help me, because I’m being lazy and feeling sorry for myself? Oh, OK, fine. I’ll help myself to whatever it is I’m complain about.

Which is exactly what you need to do, anonymous internet complainer.

Sharing your feelings is one thing. Relentlessly complaining about every terrible little detail of your life is entirely another. And I should know, I’m a seasoned complainer, after all.

You’ve managed to alienate a perfect stranger with your “feelings.” Maybe it’s time to get your shit together, and stop sharing the details of your sad life with wrong numbers.

Video killed the radio star

Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? “I own the building, and therefore everything in it.” That TV cost more than my rent. FML

Uh, I think you need to take another look at your rental agreement. And, you know, many centuries of property law. And maybe point out some of this material to your landlord, because she is clearly robbing you.

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