The exaggerators of FML Friday

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Every now and then, the person or persons who submit their complaints to are so clearly exaggerating that only a nincompoop would believe their fish tales. And when I say “every now and then” what I’m really trying to say is, “almost always.” These little submissions aren’t terribly long, but there are lines you can read between — lines that clearly display outright lies.

That’s the theme of this week’s edition of FML Friday — lies and the lying liars who tell them. Because, let’s face it: some people will complain just for the sake of it, even if they have to make it up.

Stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself…

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

Riiiiight, likely story. You know, if you were an alien, your name would be Exag Gerate. You would hail from the Planet Douche, and none of your fellow aliens would believe a word you say. Because you’re a liar.

Anyone who’s ever had a body part fall asleep on them knows that, in spite of the fact that it feels pretty awful, you still contain more or less complete control over your limbs. Only a moron with poor motor skills — something I can tell you is a hallmark of the residents of Planet Douche — would punch himself in the face.

So, wait, I guess that means you weren’t lying. But it’s fair to say that you, and everyone you know, is still a douche through and through.

Seeing the light

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It’s so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

While I’ve no doubt that your neighbors purchased this light, since you’re clearly interesting and intelligent enough to want to spy on in the dark — especially judging by the fact that you’re “smart” enough to share your woes with the Internet on — I do believe you’re exaggerating about the calibration of said motion sensor light.

Unless your neighbors are CIA, they shouldn’t have access to motion-sensing technology that can detect a small fly. And since they’re likely more akin to Ma and Pa Kettle than Uncle Sam and His Seals, I’m going to suggest that you’re fibbing… JUST a little bit.

Next time, if you really want people to feel pity for you, choose a slightly larger and more plausible insect. Like a bumblebee.

A woman’s scorn

Today, my wife made my hand bleed by stabbing it with a fork. I’d only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

I actually don’t care if you’re telling the truth on this one or not. The fact is that you never, and I mean never, come between a person and his or her fries. NEVER. Not a woman, not a man, and not a child.

But here’s what I don’t get: no self-respecting human eats fries with a fork, because it makes them look like an asshole. And I’m going to further suggest that any dish that includes fries on the side is mean to be eaten with ones hands — like a burger or a sandwich.

So either your wife is an asshole who likes to stab you, or you’re lying. And as Sherlock Holmes said about detective work: “That guy is probably an asshole.”

Photo by Bridget Coila on Flickr.

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