We all have an alcoholic uncle, or a racist great-grandparent, right? Well, most of us do. And when they reveal their true natures, we roll our eyes. Unless other people are around — then we drop whatever we’re doing, run to our computers and vent to the internet. Because F our Ls, life is hard, being internet-famous (or at least internet-paid-attention-to-for-like-30-seconds) is the best, and family is the WORST.
So here’s some unsolicited advice to everyone out there whose sexually-promiscuous grandma is just, like, so embarrassing.
Parents just don’t understand… Facebook
Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML
Moms — they just don’t get Facebook. They have their privacy settings set so that anyone can login to their account and basically steal their money. And I didn’t even know that was possible. What moms also fail to realize is that most everyone can see when they talk to their kids. About hemorrhoid surgery.
But fear not, you poor bastard, because your mother could have done far worse: like pointing out YOUR hemorrhoid problem — the one you have from sitting in front of the computer typing a litany of complaints to FmyLife.com.
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, “When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed.” Thanks Gran. FML
Hasn’t anyone ever told you to respect your elders? Your grandma apparently got more ass than Giacomo Casanova, famed Italian explorer and legendary ass-getter. Sure, it’s gross to picture your Boomin’ Granny (with her boomin’ fanny) centuries later mackin’ on equally-toothless geezers, but props to her getting out there back in Age of Enlightenment.
And you just sit there like a feckless pile of de-sexualized organic matter and complain to the internet, when really you should take a cue from Grandmanova: find yourself a mate or 50. Because there’s an obesity epidemic out there!
Hypocrisy in flavour country
Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much “unhealthy” junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML
Man, you’re uptight. Have a smoke and chill the fuck out. And put down that bag of chips — unless you’re as active as Granny Fuckpants up there. In that case, eat some chips, do the nasty and THEN have a smoke.
Look, I get it: hypocrisy is soooo square. You’re a young hipster — judging by the fact that you’re being a butt-hurt internet douche — and you know exactly what you’re doing to your body: filling it with chips, drinking massive quantities of Pabst Blue Ribbon and then hurling your brains out in between admissions of love for your friend Beth, who’s trying to prevent you from falling into your own sick.
What was I saying? Oh yeah: shut up. You ARE being unhealthy. And so’s your uncle. But don’t worry about him, because cigarettes make you thin.
Image by f1uffster (Jeanie) on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License