I’ll be the judge of that… on FML Friday
We all get judged. All the time. By everyone. I’m judging you right now. And to be frank, you’re making it really easy — we all know you’re not supposed to wear socks with sandals. And you aren’t suppost to wear Crocs. Ever.
Because they’re dumb.
And you don’t want to be associated with dumbness. You want to be associated with interesting things like culture, arts and science. Not bad hips, pool shoes and pants up to your tits. But the people with the FMLs below? They have no shame AND high-fastening pants. And yes, that’s totally a thing.
Today, my psychiatrist asked me if I felt bad about my weight. When I said no, he looked surprised and said, “Why not?” FML
I was a psychiatrist once. Or at least I wanted to be. And you know what they taught us back at the psychiatry school? That sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And, you know, not a penis — Freud was really obsessed with those.
And that means that sometimes your psychiatrist is going to be totally honest with you. And sometimes, when your psychiatrist thinks you can stand to lose a few pounds, he’s going to be a smug douche about it. Because they also teach that at psychiatry school.
Listen, you’re paying someone a lot of money to speak with them about your problems. And they might see problems you aren’t even aware of. So maybe focus on getting through those problems without publishing them on the Internet, you hear?
Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn’t believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of “a lower form of being” who would only ever shame our family. FML
Dads can be frustrating. They really want what’s best for you, and Facebook for them is barely tolerable. But what tips the scales out of your favour is that face. What is with that face? Why do people feel the need to make this face?
I think it’s important for everyone to understand that Blue Steel and Magnum — Ben Stiller’s model faces from Zoolander — were MAKING FUN OF MODELS. And since very very few of those of you reading this are models, you have no reason to make that face. Unless you’re all making fun of models. Which you aren’t. Your’re posing in douchey fashion.
So yeah, your dad can basically disown you for this behaviour. And you’ll be entitled to NOTHING in his will.
Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can’t win. FML
Chivalry is dead. It’s been unceremoniously expelled from the world and left to die alone. And you’ll suffer the same fate if you DARE open a door for anyone, especially a woman.
Actually, you know what? This is one of those situations where I’m going to have to agree with the FMLer. You really can’t win. I thought everyone — man, woman, child, domesticated pet, guy dressed up in gimp costume — all loved having doors help open for them. It’s not just chivalrous, it’s POLITE. And don’t people post FMLs when other people are impolite?
Wouldn’t all these FMLs suddenly dry up if we all just help doors open for each other!?
The answer is No. Humanity (or at least Internet-Humanity) will always find something to FML about. And I will ALWAYS make fun of it.
Image by Alex E Proimos on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.
Who would you vote for as the queen of duck-facing? I’m going with Paulina Gretzky.
Oh gosh, what a question. Not easy to answer, Gregg. Maybe Hulk Hogan’s daughter?