Mo’ money, mo’ FMLs

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Money: we all want it, and none of us have it. Hell, even the people who stood to gain the most from Facebook’s IPO are out millions of dollars โ€” MILLIONS! โ€” and what do they have to show for it (other than millions and millions more)? Nothing, that’s hat.

It’s true, money is the root of all evil. And evil is the root of something even darker. So dark, I can’t even discuss it here. What I can do, though, is do what I do every Friday. Make fun of peoples’ dumb complaints about their mundane lives on these here Internetz. And so I shall.

More like CostCan’t

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

There’s no shame in your shame. Except that we’re calling it shame, so it’s kinda shameful I guess. But you shouldn’t worry too much.

When you should worry, though, is when you pay a $50 a year membership to eat free food samples. I mean, I know I’ve complained about Costco before, but there are better and more dignified ways to acquire food inexpensively, rather than subjecting yourself to the slavering hoards of inhuman monsters who need apocalyptic amounts of hair dye in order to feel a sense of self-worth.

You might be broke, but you’re better than those people, Random Internet Loser. Besides, the sample ladies at your local Safeway are way nicer.

More like CoupWon’t

Today, I had to get the manager of a grocery store to explain to his employee how coupons work. The employee had refused to accept the coupons I was using, for fear that, “they will be deducted from my paycheck.” FML

The world’s a crazy place, Other Random Internet Loser. Coupons aren’t as easy to figure out as you might think. You might even say they’re… Couponplicated <The Who starts playing after I put on my sunglasses>.

OK, that was mostly the worst thing I’ve ever said. But you L has nothing to F in this case. The person who should have written this is the mouth-breathing simeon who can’t even wrap his head around the concept of coupons โ€” a couponcept, if you will. And even if you won’t, this was just a minor inconvenience.

So buck up, and count yourself lucky that, at the end of the day, you saved 20ยข on that bag of frozen beans, you magnificent bastard!

More like ParkIsn’t

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

My poor, Idiot Parking Loser Who Complained About His Woes On The Internet. Can I call you Loser? It’s so much simpler, you see. What I think you need to do, Loser, is reframe your problem.

You started the day with $0. If you’d gotten a $30 parking ticket, you’d be $(30). And trust me, red in this case is very bad. But instead, you’re actually only at $(10). That’s a far sight better than 30 in the hole. You, Loser, don’t know a gift when it’s looking you in the face and saying, like, “Hey! Your life sucks online marginally less than you’d thought!”

Look the the bright side, Loser. You could be begging the staff at Costco for samples for your children.

This is one of those cases where you’re so money and you don’t even know it.

Photo by Dave Herholz on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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