Customer ‘service’ on FML Friday

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I used to work customer service jobs. It always felt to me like some kind of rite of passage, or trial by fire. While most customers were perfectly wonderful, there were always those select few who forgot about that whole Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves thing, and either treated me like a robot or an indentured servant.

And in my youth, I lacked the testicular fortitude to tell those douches to go fuck themselves. Just like the three dinkwallets in this week’s edition of FML Friday. OK, that’s not really fair. They obviously told those customers where to stick it. And while satisfying, it certainly didn’t result in the best outcome.

So let the judgment begin!

Said it, and forget it

Today, my boss gave me a warning for “insulting our best customer” after she saw a comment on her customer card saying “stop giving this fat bitch free samples.” My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

Your boss wrote that on a customer card? Man, I think that’s something I’d want to forget too. It’s juvenile, and it sets a bad example, regardless of the woman’s size or disposition… I’m totally kidding. That fat bitch needs to lay off the free samples, right?

But hey, your boss is covering his ass. Imagine if HIS boss found out he wrote that stupid comment card. World of pain, my friend. So yeah, I’d totally pass the buck and give you a warning for it. You know why, sad customer service employee? Because you don’t become Mr Manager by being nice, that’s why.

Unless the product or service you’re selling is Niceness. Then that’s the only real way to get ahead!

Infections and the First Amendment

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for “violating the First Amendment.” FML

Ah, the First Amendment. Responsible for some of the most reprehensible utterances in American history. On the other hand, it’s allowed some fairly marginalized people to say some really fantastic things. But I’m fairly certain that it does not protect a cold-sore infected woman from… well, fuck her, really. I don’t need to explain the First Amendment to you for anyone to understand that this woman is fucking disgusting.

The First Amendment says Congress won’t make any laws “abridging the freedom of speech.” That means they can’t pass a law that prevents you from saying whatever you want.¬†What it doesn’t mean is that you can wipe your filth on money and then pass it on to someone like a horrible cow.

To be fair, I just assume most of the currency I handle is covered in cold sores. Which is why I never bathe naked in money. I always wear swimming trunks.

Two wrongs making a… uh, wrong

Today, I was fired for telling a customer’s kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He said it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am “clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company.” FML

A killjoy? I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen the word used 100% properly. Even I use it incorrectly sometimes, but your former CEO really has his finger on the button, in the best possible way. Sucks that you aren’t working for him anymore, huh?

And, actually, you’re a bit of a douche, sir or madam. In the customer service industry there’s this… theory, really, that the customer’s always right. So telling a customer’s kid to shut your mouth is grounds for being told to take a hike. But trying to exact your revenge on your boss who was only doing his job? Deeply satisfying and absolutely the dumbest thing you could do.

So excuse me if I experience a little bit of Schadenfraude at your expense, killjoy. Did I use that word correctly? Did I spell it correctly, for that matter?

Image by Gordon Ednie on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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