Fitness, motivation and FML Friday

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This week’s FML Friday is brought to you by Wine Down The Gullet™. Wine Down The Gullet: when flavor isn’t even a remote consideration.

I’ve begun training once again, with a mind toward having the ability to run a half-marathon in the late fall. Because I’m a glutton. For food, punishment, and food-punishment in the form of exercise. And there’s nothing better than complaining about this journey every step of the way. I mean, Eff my Elle, right? This shit is HARD.

Well, soon my body will be hard, haters. These pipsqueaks below, though? Listen, I know I’m out of shape, but I’m not this out of shape, nor am I this stupid. So let’s judge the morons, shall we?

Jogging and adult diapers

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn’t want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

Sounds like an intense run. I hope it was a marathon, or at least a half marathon — like the one I plan to barely be able to run soon.  Because unless you’re the kind of person who really gets into the advertising they show on the Price is Right, you shouldn’t be shitting your pants.

Oh but wait, you said it was a 5k? Get it together!

Relieving yourself prior to a jog is like peeing before a long roadtrip; you don’t want to have to stop — you’re in the groove, just you and the road and Not Peeing.

Next time you go for a yog, whether it’s leisurely or intense, maybe take a huge dump beforehand, right? There are two plusses to this strategy:

  1. I guarantee it’ll shave a full two minutes of your time because you’ll feel that much lighter; and
  2. You won’t accidentally shit your pants.

A simpler solution: next time get over yourself and commune with nature, bush-style.

Or just bike on the street all the time

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk,

 Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Let me stop you right there. On the FUCKING sidewalk? You’re a useless sack of shit. Fine, I’ll let you finish, then I’ll give you the tongue-lashing of a lifetime. 

I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

So, fuckface, you like riding your bike on the sidewalk? They’ve developing an entirely new Circle of Hell for this slight against humankind. You’re riding what most jurisdictions call a vehicle, and you should be on the road. Because if it ain’t ladders you’re dodging due to some dumb-fuck old-wive’s tale, it’s people, children, dogs, other living creatures that you can crush. And that’s some REALLY bad luck.

Now you might flip it and say, “But cars could crush me too if I rode on the road.” Well, suck it up, you lazy spokeshit. Wear a helmet and the right gear and don’t “drive” like a tool. Remember you’re not a car and you’ll be fine.

And if I EVER see you riding your bike on the sidewalk and you’re not, like, a toddler, expect my fist to make sweet love to your face, you urban douchenozzle.

The males braaaaaain(s) and fitness

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the “zombie outbreak” happens. FML

I seriously doubt you’ll be Effing your Elle when the fucking apocalypse comes and your Adonis is carrying you in his arms while he streaks across the sky, because he’s been training so hard he can basically fly, you big whiner.

Different people are motivated by different things. For me, it’s got to be Wine Down The Gullet as my reward. For your man, it’s the certainty that when the dead rise from their graves and try to eat everyone’s brains, he’s going to be the Rick Fucking Grimes of your particular neighbourhood.

Bonus: with all that training motivation, when the unpreventable apocalypse comes and goes, he’ll be able to single-handedly repopulate the species (well, on the man-sauce side anyway). And you can be his beautiful if ungrateful queen.

Photo by Eric Schmuttenmaer on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License

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5 Responses to “Fitness, motivation and FML Friday”

  1. Paul
    July 6, 2012 at 9:18 am #

    “Well, suck it up, you lazy spokeshit” is my new favourite thing to say for the rest of the weekend. Thank you for that.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      July 6, 2012 at 10:22 am #

      Hahaha, you’re welcome Paul. It’s amazing how Wine Down The Gullet can inspire “genius.”

    • Dana DiTomaso
      July 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

      I was coming here to post the same thing.

  2. Andrea
    July 6, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

    Maybe I’m too sensitive, but I think threatening people with potential violence (even in jest) is not a good response to the unsafe cyclists out there. I’ve been on sidewalks and have had a speedster whiz past me without signal, and it’s scary, and someone could get killed, but there are riders out there are just too inexperienced to ride with traffic all the time. Threats like that are just like when that radio personality decided it was “open season” for the cyclists on the road a few months back.

    My daughter only just learned to ride a bike earlier this summer. Strangers harassed my daughter so much for riding on the sidewalks while she was learning that the day she got her training wheels off, 2 weeks after she first sat on a bike, she vowed she’d be taking the roads from then on. Three days later she was in the hospital after bicycling down a slow, quiet, side road, when a car pulled out of parking too fast, and hit her. She wasn’t experienced enough to brake and gear appropriately.

    She broke a few bones, but healed well, thankfully, but now she’s scared to ride on the roads while she builds up experience and confidence.

    According to you, my daughter, who at age 27 decided she wanted to learn to ride a bike, because she is concerned about the environment and her community, is “..a useless sack of shit”, “… a lazy spokeshit” You said that “.. if I EVER see you riding your bike on the sidewalk and you’re not, like, a toddler, expect my fist to make sweet love to your face, you urban douchenozzle.”

    Threatening my daughter, and other beginners like her who are not good cyclists, is not appropriate behaviour, especially from someone who is generally respected in their community. If a person is riding safely, at an appropriate speed for the setting they are in, I think they should be commended for contributing to the cycling community, not threatened and hated for being new, slow, or just not good at cycling.

    My daughter sent me this blog, saying that she’s done with riding her bike in the city. She said “Remember what I was saying the other day about how this city hates new cyclists? This is a guy I used to follow on twitter because he had a lot of insight on how to make the city a better place. I just want to make a difference, and simply learn to ride a bike. I can’t do that when drivers threaten me, and pedestrians threaten me. Edmonton sometimes sucks like this. No wonder people prefer cars.”

    I don’t know you, and I know it probably doesn’t matter to you what you said and how if affected her, but it did to her. I just wanted you to know that.

    • Adam Rozenhart
      July 6, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      Hi Andrea,

      I completely understand where you’re coming from, and I get that there are risks to novice cyclers no matter where they’re riding. Still, riding on the sidewalk with a wheel diameter greater than a certain size is a traffic violation, regardless of the rider’s ability. Directly from the City of Edmonton’s website:

      Standard size bicycles are only allowed on signed, shared use sidewalks that are 2.5m wide or greater. Bicycles with wheels less than 50cm in diameter (children’s bikes) are permitted on all sidewalks.

      Is this fair to novice riders? Maybe not, and clearly not in your daughter’s case, who just wants to use a different mode of transportation to contribute to her and the city’s overall well-being. But it’s a rule in place to protect pedestrians on the sidewalks from cyclists. And this doesn’t mean that most drivers in Edmonton are courteous to cyclists — they generally aren’t at all. Motorists in this city generally hate cyclists because motorists have a twisted sense of entitlement, which is fodder for another more serious blogpost eventually for sure.

      I ride my bike to work an average of about once a week. And I avoid busy roads — the quickest way to work for me would be to ride down Jasper avenue, but I value my life — at all costs. There’s still a risk to me on a quiet street from a motorist, but those are the realities of riding in a city (and I’ve even had experiences on sidewalks myself where drivers fail to yield while exiting driveways that transect sidewalks, which is a rule of the road for motorists).

      Yes, the discourteousness drivers demonstrate to cyclists is absolutely a barrier to more cyclists riding either casually or as part of their daily commute — which is a big reason the city is working hard to introduce new sharrows and bike lanes in the core and throughout Edmonton.

      I’m sorry that I upset you and your daughter. My FML Friday posts are pretty brutally cathartic and offensive, but I in no way want you to think that I will cause harm to, or even call out, a cyclist riding on the sidewalks — I feel really badly that something I wrote would disuade someone from riding. That was not at all my intention. I definitely take for granted my confidence and ability on a bicycle riding around town. But to me, this just further highlights the need to educate ALL users of Edmonton roadways on not only the rules, but ensuring people use our infrastructure safely and fairly, ensuring everyone gets where they need to go safely.

      Again, I’m really sorry I upset you and your daughter. I hope you have a better understanding of where I’m coming from, even though my approach was the worst sort of ham-fisted douchebaggery. I don’t expect this response to make things right, but I just wanted to you to know I wasn’t just dismissing what you wrote. Thanks for your comment.