Life is like a box of idiots on FML Friday

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Oh yes, friends, it’s that time of the week again. The time where I pore over the thoroughly pathetic FMyLife.com entries from people who generally have it way better than most of society, but for a few minor blips here and there.

While I’ve typically unified these posts with some arbitrary yet artful theme every week, this time around I’m going for the mixed bag of nuts. And boy, are there some nutty… nuts!

Oh, I’m also lazy and I had to go to bed early when I was writing this all so I could be up in time for Uncle Jespersen’s Good-Time Morning Hoedown and Bagel Toss… so you might find I get lazy throughout this post. Enjoy!

Money for nothing, and gum for free

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn’t playing around. FML

Oh my gods, you fell for the Gum-for-a-Paycheque trick? Why, that’s the oldest trick in the book, person lacking any sort of good sense or critical thinking skills!

When you were hired, did they sit you down and do a job interview, or did they run you through a series of absurd obstacle courses, like on the Japanese television show Takeshi’s Castle, you thoroughly naïve and gullible human who will always be fooled by the unscrupulous people who surround him or her?

The world is a big a scary place, overly trusting rube. Sometimes when people say they want to pay you in gum — and I hope it was bubble gum, because at least that way you’ll get your kicks, right? — they’re actually going to pay you in gum, sad paycheque-less person.

But you’ve learned a valuable lesson, I’m sure: _____________________ (insert lesson here for self-actualization).

A ‘wardrobe’ worth ‘staring at’

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

I don’t want to be “That Guy,” person-who-complains-anonymously-on-a-website, but we’ve ALL looked down your friend’s shirt. I mean, can you, like, believe what she’s wearing? Like, who does she think she is, Rhianna or something?

OK, I’m sorry, like, I got a little personal and, like, insulting there for a second. Like, the truth of the matter is, like, Facebook is, like, so lame now that my mom and dad are on it. And they’re, like, always posting, like, “Text us when you need a ride home,” on my wall — because, like, I will NOT switch to timeline because timeline is, like, lame.

And, like, my dad still *pokes* me all the time. Like, WTF?!

Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes, I don’t care enough about your boyrfriend’s wandering eyes, and your friend’s apparently remarkable shirts to offer you anything other than ridicule. Like, whatever.

Multi-tasking

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

Some doctors direct people to conduct all dump-related activities simultaneously. This simultaneous stimulation of your “dump” hormones gives you what scientists call “a power-up,” allowing your body to turn you into a flying raccoon, or bear-statue, for some reason…

I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Your story is tragic, there’s no question. If your boyfriend did dump you while dumping you, there’s just nothing we, as decent human beings, can really do except attempt make light of an event so horrific and tragic.

I mean, I want to accuse you of lying, but I’ve actually met guys like this. And since I haven’t met any since high school, I have to assume you’re 15.

Which makes anything else I might say a violation of some law somewhere, I’m certain. Good day to you, young madam.

Image by Vincent Brown on Flickr. User under Creative Commons License.

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