A mishmash of an FML Friday

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Sometimes, people just don’t know how good they have it. Take these “people” who contributed their complaints to FmyLife.com. One of them fails to recognize the potential of a new job, and another complains about losing their virginity…

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Man, if these people consider their lives bad, I should just jump off a bridge. But I’d only do that if I was going to land in a river of softened cheese. Why? Because of deliciousness.

Knowing your own strength

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, “We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!” FML

Tradition is important, as are family heirlooms. Oh sure, we’re not supposed to care about material things, but when objects stay within a family for so long — yes, even a toilet brush — we grow attached to such things.

No, I’m just kidding. Your mother’s an idiot. Nobody in their right mind cares deeply about a thing that’s used to scrub shit streaks off the inside of a toilet bowl. That’s the sort of obsessive compulsion that should be treated with medication, disdain and even a great deal of ridicule, I’m sorry to say.

The best response to this situation would have been to drop your pants, deliver unto mum a gift and talk about how this has been a tradition of yours since you were in diapers.

Help those who help themselves

Today, I started my new job, and was introduced to my colleague. She seemed old and quite experienced, so I thought she was going to teach me. I was wrong. It turns out I’m a replacement for her daughter, who used to secretly do all of her work for her because she has no idea how to do it herself. FML

I really fail to see why this is a problem for you. So this woman’s daughter did her job for her. That woman’s gone, and now you’re in, presumably with a job description and responsibilities of your own to fulfill. You have the opportunity now to point out the fact that mumma isn’t doing her job.

Oh, sure, you might feel guilty about this, but how is this woman’s inadequacy your problem? They’re not. And in this case saying “FML” is pathetic. Eff this woman’s life for her uselessness and impending termination.

The best way to the emergency room

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

So, you had sex? And, exactly what is the problem here? Sucks to your assmar!

Losing one’s virginity is a rite of passage, and when you’re able to do so in comical fashion not unlike popular culture films such as American Pie, then you know you’ve absolutely arrived. Where you’ve arrived, exactly, is questionable, but hey, you did the deed. A trip to the emergency room is a small price to pay.

Did I mention, “sucks to your assmar”?

Photo by Jenn Durfey on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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One Response to “A mishmash of an FML Friday”

  1. Gregg
    August 3, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    To Asthma Orgasm I say no one’s first time is good, even under the best conditions. It’s like putting Ikea furniture together, only you aren’t allowed to have the pictograms you’ve been studying since you were 13 with you as a guide to what goes where.