Celebrating your existence on FML Friday

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Look, I’m really sorry. I know I missed your birthday. I just have so many to keep track of! I’m really embarrassed about this. How about if you and I go and get some McNuggins?

No, I meant to say McNuggins. We’ll have to go to MackDondo since money’s a little tight right now. Don’t worry, you’ll really like it. It’ll more than make up for the fact that I missed your birthday by just a little bit!

Yes, of course you can have some BQQ sauce with your McNuggins. No, I meant to say BQQ. It’s so spicy that after you eat some, you’ll be QQ.

See what I did there?


Dine and whine

Today, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t write “happy birthday” on her Facebook wall. FML

Hey man, I get it. Social media is waaaaaaaay important. It validates people, uh, on their birthdays and shit. Hey, do you want some McNuggins to help ease the pain? They’re only 20% chicken tumor! Well, I think chicken, anyway.

It’s kinda funny that your girlfriend is insane — the writing is figuratively literally on the wall. You know what you have to do, right? Chug some of that deliciously spicy BQQ sauce like the tough guy that you are and tell her to “go hump a dump.”

Seriously, use those words — “hump a dump” — then she won’t be so torn up about what you failed to say on her Facebook wall.

Not mom’s favourite

Today, it’s my mother’s birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML

Scratch-offs? I’ve never heard someone call them that before. I always call them scratchy tickets. That way, the clerk HAS to ask me for my ID when I buy them, and then I don’t feel like an ancient lump of skin — in other words, then I don’t feel like a McNuggin.

Anyhow, I’m sorry that you’ve failed your mother. It’s rough knowing you’ve thoroughly disappointed a parent by projecting a  gambling addiction onto them. But wipe those tears from your cheeks, my dear. The only thing that I want to make people cry is that sweet, salty, saturated-fat-laden BQQ sauce.

Remember important dates

Today, my boyfriend sang “happy birthday” to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembered the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

Whoa! Hey, this totally reminds me of MackDondo’s catchy slogan: “I’m glovin’ it!”

(You basically have to, because on top of containing 20% tumor, those McNuggins will also burn through your skin. And don’t even get me started on BQQ sauce, which is basically just battery acid.)

Oh right, your boyfriend’s vagina comment!

Well, if he’s like me, he might forget your birthday from time to time. But he remembered the anniversary of the time he paid special attention to a piece of you, so that’s something, right?


Image by Will Clayton on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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