Life’s a beach on FML Friday

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Nothing beats a day at the beach. Oh, except all of the things that could possibly go wrong at the beach. Which, in the cases of the FMLers below, is all of the things. Seriously, you won’t believe the messed up situations these people land themselves in.

Actually, in this case, it seems to be their friends and family who are causing all the problems — with the pointing and the laughing and the judging.

Just read for yourself.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn’t until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

Man, your parents are dicks. They’re acting like they’ve never jumped into the ocean and wound up with a condom in their hair. And the reason for that is because that’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

And it’s funny. And actually, your parents are awesome. Are they on Instagram?

Seriously, though, you should always use a condom. Just not in your hair. For that I recommend a leave-in conditioner. It’ll bring out the not-condom highlights in your coiffure.

Read between the lines

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren’t from me. FML

Here, read this pamphlet: So Your Boyfriend’s a Man-Slut. Go ahead, open it!

Yep, you see right there on the right-hand panel? “Ways to know your boyfriend’s a bona fide man-slut.” Read the first point. No, seriously. I know you’re embarrassed, but you should have known this before. I mean, there’s a fucking pamphlet for it. Read it!

“1. If he has scratch marks down his back that aren’t from your most recent sexual escapade, he’s a man-slut.”

Listen, I don’t mean to say I told you so. So I won’t. Because there’s a fucking pamphlet.

‘Live every week like it’s Shark Week’

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, “What? You’re the one that wanted to be a shark. Don’t you watch Shark Week?” FML

I know the “scientists” on the “Discovery Channel” all say you’re supposed to punch a shark right on its nose and it’ll, like, run away and shit. But if I’m a shark, and someone punches me in the nose, I’m going to bite them IN HALF. And then I’m going to bite their family. IN HALF.

So the next time you’re pretending to be a shark, and your girlfriend punches you in the nose, you bite her IN HALF. Then you invite her family over for dinner, and when they discover your girlfriend’s bloody torso, you know what you do? You bite them IN HALF.

Image by Daniel Ramirez on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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