I’m not a tattoo junkie by any means. At least not compared to other people I know. I have three right now, and only want about three more. So you can see my love of the ink is completely reasonable. Other people are the furthest thing from reasonable when it comes to tattoos.
Which brings us to this week’s FML Friday, a bit of a mixed bag when it comes to tattoos. Some people love them. Some people hate them. And some people wind up having their tattoos posted to this website, which has some really horrendous shit on it.
Whatever your position on the matter, know this: you should either dislike or pity the poor FMLers below.
Neck and neck
Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog’s name. FML
Most of the girls I know who are into tattoos start with something far more shameful, Guy-Who-Hates-Sexy-Tattoos: a tramp stamp. Oh, I know we’re not supposed to call it that, because how do we know if she’s actually a tramp, right? But that’s what the KIDS call it, so that’s what I’m calling it.
So if a lower-back tattoo is a tramp stamp, then a tattoo on your neck is… I don’t know, the indication that your wife’s name is actually Tucco and she runs the biggest meth distribution ring in Albuquerque, New Mexico. And if she’s not careful, a little-known chemistry teacher named Walter “Heisenberg” White is going to get her killed.
In the meantime, I think it’s really touching that she’s memorialized your [I can only assume] still-living dog. It really helps to illustrate her priorities.
Sad, truthful comparisons
Today, I was having a debate with my friend over tattoos. I used the example that you wouldn’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. He looked me in the eye and said, “Yeah, but you’re no Ferrari. More like a Prius.” FML
Hey, let’s not hate on the Prius. It’s the most popular hybrid vehicle on the market, so they must be doing something right. Sure, it doesn’t have the sleek good looks of a supercar, but it’ll get you from A to B silently and efficiently.
I know what you’re saying, though: “My body is a temple.” And you’re not wrong. But have you been to a temple, or a church? Sure, those places are sacred. But they’re also among the most decorated and ornate structures on the planet. You’re telling me your temple doesn’t need some stained glass? Because, buddy, every Prius I’ve ever seen could benefit from some stained glass.
The unforgiving internet
Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it’s a site about ugly tattoos. FML
Oh, so the image of the Sad Puma is yours? And you thought that was unique, huh? Well, you’re not wrong.
I’m kidding, you’re totally wrong. Not only is it not unique — being one horrendous tattoo among what I can only assume are millions — it’s also an affront to the lowest form of art: finger painting. As in, I could paint a more life-like image of a puma with my fingers.
Do yourself a favour: purchase an industrial-grade cheese grater and treat yourself to some sweet, sweet tattoo removal. And thank your lucky stars (!) you aren’t this girl.
Image by Jessica on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License. And note that I think the tattoo in the post image is absolutely beautiful.