Hockey homage on FML Friday

If you’ve read any of the hockey blogs out there, you’ll know that the NHL lockout is making fans crazy. They’re mad at the owners, they’re mad at the players, and you know what they’re going to do about it? Watch hockey when the lockout’s over, those tough, principled sons of bitches!

The people below are less concerned with the NHL lockout and more concerned with hockey-related  things. But their complaints still have the word hockey in them, so technically we have ourselves a theme. Now let’s make fun of people!

Wake-up call

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

You might be the luckiest person on earth. You were awoken by an outstanding Simpsons reference! Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t remember the episode “Cape Feare,” where the family has to move to Terror Lake because Sideshow Bob gets out of prison after threatening to kill Bart? Bob wrote notes to Bart in his own blood that episode!

When the enter the witness protection program, the family changes their name from “Simpson” to “Thompson” and the end of the show includes Sideshow Bob doing the entire soundtrack to the HMS Pinafore.

Anyway, your family’s awesome.

The worst nickname

Today, I saw one of my favorite hockey players in public. I had met him once before, and to my shock, he remembered me. I was pretty excited until he started talking to his friend in French. He didn’t seem to realize that I’m fluent in the language. He basically called me “ugly psycho bitch.” FML

My question here is, are you ugly because you act like a psycho, or are you just ugly? To put it more philosophically, are your psycho actions making you ugly?

I mean, if you’re stalking this guy and mailing him your toenail clippings, then you can’t really blame him for thinking you’re a psycho (and ugly!). Because your ACTIONS are ugly, lady.

But it could be this guy’s just an ego-maniacal hockey player with outstanding French vocabulary, and you’re an innocent bystander who won’t stop stalking him. Either way, go Oilers!

‘Mobbed’

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist’s business card. FML

When you said you were mobbed, I expected the last sentence of your complaint to be, “I was even given a black eye.” That would truly be FML worthy. But instead you were lectured and then given someone’s business card. Who knows, you might even be able to get a free appointment from this optometrist, particularly if it will mean your refereeing is improved.

Look, I know being a kids hockey ref is a tough gig, especially with psycho parents waiting to tear you down after the game, but by the sounds of things, your worst-case scenario here is you collect a bunch of business cards. Who knew doing this job would result in networking!

Photo by Peter on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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