Saying ‘I do’ on FML Friday

Today, some dear friends of mine are tying the knot before a whole slew of people down in the Edmonton River Valley. Oh sure, it snowed for the first time last night, but love will win the day. So will the toonie bar.

In honour of the occasion, we’re looking at a special wedding-themed FML Friday. The poor bastards below had a lot to contend with in order to get hitched to their true loves. So it’s important that we make fun of their misfortune. Starting right now.

Not that kind of ring

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he’d got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

Don’t you know that getting peed on by a crying three-year-old who decided to wear your wedding band as a cock ring is good luck? In some cultures, this is an indication that the marriage will be long-lasting, and that the two of you will be into some really kinky shit in the bedroom.

It also means you should disinfect and clean that ring. Not because it got pee on it, which is a sterile fluid anyhow, but because that kid probably had sticky hands from getting into the cake. And you don’t want to get sick with little kid jammy-hands, now, do you?

The science of stupid

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won’t listen to a word I say. FML

Don’t you know that you might be the luckiest guy on earth right now? A few days before you wedding, it’s revealed that the woman you want to marry is a complete and utter moron for believing in something rooted in pseudo-science. And given that you seem to realize how dumb this is, I assume you aren’t going to thank any gods for it.

Just nod sagely to yourself.

You dodged a bullet, my friend. A really stupid bullet. Odds are you’ll find someone else who doesn’t believe in that palm-reading, Zodiac-interpreting mumbo-jumbo. Probability is science!

Motherboy

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn’t say my name. He said his mother’s. FML

Don’t you know that you were going to marry Buster Bluth of the Bluths? I imagine you thought you were marrying into money, but let me tell you: the Bluths are all tapped out. Your husband-to-be’s legal father has been in and out of jail this last few years, and his real father is a pot-smoking lemon-tree farmer.

You, like the FMLer above, have truly dodged a bullet. Besides, since his hand has bitten off by a loose seal, he just hasn’t been the same. And you don’t need to be saddled with that Motherboy baggage.

Image by Vivian Evans on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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