The Greek god Testicles on FML Friday

Balls. Many men have them, both literally and figuratively. And those things will get you into all kinds of trouble, let me tell you. Heck, male mammals of any kind are going to have ball trouble at some point in their lives. It’s a virtual certainty. And it’s further guaranteed if someone nearby has a video camera.

These poor FMLers learned that the hard way. Sort of. Best just read below to find out what I mean.

Creamed

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad’s cream-covered testicles. FML

Cream? What kind? Did it come out of one of those cans you find in the dairy aisle? Because if yes, that’s pretty gross. We all talk logically about how we know our parents must have had sex. But no one wants to picture any part of all, least of all the fore-fore-play before mumma… Oh my lords. This isn’t starting out at all like I’d… [vomit tag]

Nose bleeds and sore crotches

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

I’m not really clear on how throbbing testicles factor into the excessive consumption of ground cinnamon. I’m also not really clear on why you’d want to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. That’s typically been the purview of Johnny Knoxville and his ilk, and you, sir or madam, are no Johnny Knoxville. Or his ilk.

My assumption would be that you vomited chunks of burgers so thoroughly and so powerfully that the effect essentially resonated in your nether regions and caused this throbbing sensation you speak of. But let’s ask a scientist what she thinks:

“This guy’s an idiot.”

Well, there you have it.

Man’s best friend

Today, I had to moisturise my dogs testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

Hey, a pet is a responsibility one that occasionally involves the soothing of pained skin with aloe. Yes, even down there. Especially down there.

I’ve had a cat for just over 8 years now, and she’s a giant pain in the ass. She wants me to feed her, to play with her, to clean her litter. And if she had sunburnt balls, I’d moisturize those puppies — or, not I wouldn’t. They would have long since been removed. Because one cat is enough. And Bob Barker taught me to help control the pet population.

I guess my advice to you is to be gentle, but slightly unpleasant in the delivery of moisturizer to dog testicles. You don’t want to reinforce any unhealthy suntanning behaviours in your dog, after all.

Photo by Adrian Cockle on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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One Response to “The Greek god Testicles on FML Friday”

  1. Paul
    October 21, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    FML Adam…. This is the most random non-breakfast reading material I have ever had the privilege of reading. Haha… thanks