As the holiday season foists itself upon us, we all get totally busy. So busy that we’ve missed FML Friday for the last few weeks, am I right? Well, no more, friends. We’re back into the FML hot-seat this week until Christmas shatters all of our dreams anew.
And since it’s wintertime, and that means certainly in my town that everyone forgets how to operate basic machines — like cars, bicycles, their own bodies — I thought it would be interesting to talk about car accidents. Because I’ve seen the aftermath of a lot of them over the past few weeks. And they’re no fun… unless you’re just witnessing the aftermath. Then it’s time to slow down and stare like an idiot at these poor-bastard FMLers.
FEEL FOR THEM, I IMPLORE YOU!
Variables and control groups
Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML
Well this is interesting and potentially science-y! There are a few variables at play here: You. Your car. The location. The time. And your friend positioned in precisely the same way each time. Now, if I run these variables through my handy compumatrix, I find that… OH LOOK IT SAYS YOU’RE A SHITTY DRIVER!
It’s true, compumatrices don’t lie. Human error is the thing that’s making you crash. Maybe your friend makes you nervous, or they distract you. Maybe that part of town makes you nervous. Maybe that time of day fucks with your motor skills.
Either way, this is entirely your fault.
Stood up by an accident victim
Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML
Eep. See, that’s the risk with accusing someone you don’t know of something you don’t fully understand: they could, oh I don’t know, be having a near-death experience while you’re sitting there politely sipping wine wondering where they are. I know, really inconvenient for you, right?
The real irony here is that YOU’RE the horrible person. And I think I speak for everyone reading this when I say that I hope you die alone.
Trolling for insurance
Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn’t give me his information, but instead stood there saying, “Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there.” FML
It’s remarkable how trolls on the internet often behave the same way in real life. You crashed into a troll, and when you went to exchange information, it must have felt like you were suddenly stuck in a sinister Reddit thread.
Or maybe this guys was telling you something: like, you should call State Farm; or that the dude you collided with is an insuranceless-asshole. Either way, you should remember State Farm’s slogan. BECAUSE IT’S JUST WHAT THEY WOULD WANT YOU TO DO.
Image by the Boston Public Library on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.