Champion City’s been hit with some fabulous white stuff this week. And no, I’m not talking about a windfall cocaine supply. I mean the cold white stuff. Snow, my friends. And if you don’t love it, you can do like the bumper sticker says.
But just because I’m a huge fan of weather like this doesn’t mean everyone (or anyone) else is. To wit, this week’s FML Friday. The theme? Snow. The advice? Suck it up and realize where you live, people. No one feels sorry for you, because we all saw this coming. Even some farmers and their almanac knew about this. So how could you not?
Anyhow, on with the online harassment!
Always be over-prepared
Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML
The Boy Scouts of America will tell you a couple of things: first, that they’re more or less completely intolerant towards homosexuality. While not particularly relevant here, I just thought you should know.
Second, they tell their members to always be prepared. Now I thought that the BSA was a common-sense organization, where “be prepared,” meant something like, “take the bare minimum of precautions to make sure you don’t get mauled by a bear.” What I don’t take that to mean is, “Take every unreasonable precaution to mitigate every conceivable risk, you moron.”
ONE pair of good socks. SNOW PANTS, if it’s cold enough. A SINGLE COAT so you can still move. ONE pair of gloves a hat and a scarf. And maybe, I don’t know FIVE minutes to get ready, as opposed to a HALF FUCKING HOUR.
You’re useless and I hope you get buried alive in snow. Not because you’ll die, no, not with all those layers. Just so you’ll be totally inconvenienced.
Now THAT’S how you celebrate winter
Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML
Is your husband Canadian? A douchebag? Both?
Look, I’m not one to judge people, except every Friday when I write these posts. Then my judgment comes swiftly and sometimes with hilarity. In this case, all I really wanted to do was congratulate your husband for his ingenuity… And to let you know that there’s this thing called “revenge” that you need to buy into.
My recommendation: lots of snow while your husband is completely naked in the shower. A gloved hand covered in the white stuff artfully aimed at his junk ought to do the trick.
Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It’s October. FML
Let me guess: you don’t live anywhere in or near Canada. Because up here, snow in October is:
- Totally normal
- Often a cause for a party
- Not something we allow ourselves to get in a tizzy over*
What I’d really like to know is exactly how much snow we’re talking about here. Because if it’s a few centimetres, then you should be ashamed of yourself. But if it’s several feet, well… Nope. You still suck.
* The one caveat is if you’re driving a car. At that point, you forget every single thing you’ve learned about winter driving, and start acting like a complete asshole.
Image by Jeff Samsonow on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.