It’s about time I come to terms with the fact that, over my adult life, I have dated a lot of men (and mostly terrible ones). I could easily star in a rom-com spin-off called “50 Worst Dates” (we think those ones all probably get together for an annual conference once a year to burn effigies of me). Looking back on it, I think it was a vain attempt at utilizing the process of elimination. At least now I know what I’m absolutely not looking for and can appreciate that, having seen all of the grass, I know I’ve finally found the greenest.
Bear with me while I try and impart some of my hard-earned dating wisdom in hopes of cheering up a few unfortunate FMLers.
Paranormal Dating Activity
Today, I started dating a seemingly normal girl. Not even four hours into our relationship, she began telling me that she can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML
Hmm, maybe this chap just needs to rethink his definition of the word “normal.” I could argue that crazy is actually the new normal and we’re all probably just trying to find someone of the same brand of crazy. Some people are just looking for that one other person on this planet throws their putter in the water trap in outrage at when they lose at Professor WEM’s mini golf too.
I went on a blind date with a guy one time who showed up dressed more or less like Davey Crockett, insisted he be called “Panda” and told me about how he could transmit the wisdom of the tree spirits. I’m not calling him a liar or anything, and I won’t get into the gory details of why it wasn’t meant to be (should have been a total love match, right?), but when I was leaving and told him I would most definitely not be seeing him again, he grabbed my hand and asked if he could pray for me anyways. I sort of feel like Panda and Sixth Sense Girl here might hit it off.
Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me – it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for three years. FML
I too have dated an identical twin before, but apparently this is a recurring problem for this fellow. The best thing to do in this situation is to either date both of them (not as ideal as it might sound) or use what I call the “tag and release” method and buy her a visible tattoo.
Also, why is the she the one getting mad? It’s not his fault you were born looking exactly the same as your sister. If you don’t like looking exactly like your twin sister, there are many options available to solve such problems. Consider a haircut, monogramming all your clothing, or flipping through this here pamphlet on the modern wonders of plastic surgery.
One date to ruin them all
Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML
You know, you shouldn’t be mad at Lord of the Rings guy. He sounds like a catch. You should actually be thanking him because you fail to recognize that, alternatively, NO ONE could have bought you. This just goes to show that only firefighters belong in dating auctions.
Do you know what you should try, honey? Working the late night shift at the McDonald’s drive-thru. I promise that there will literally be men lined up for you. They’ll likely be drunk or stoned, mind you, but I can basically guarantee that you will get no less than three proposals per shift and you can have your pick of the litter. Some of them might even share their french fries.
Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, “So, I was thinking pizza tonight.” FML
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about equality between the sexes and empowering women and whatnot, but this is a prime example of why we should really leave proposals in the hands of the men. We ALL know that guys really only have one thing on their minds and that thing is food. I do have one girlfriend who successfully proposed to her beau. She took full advantage of that one-track-mind and proposed with a Ring Pop. Now, if this lady had’ve been thinking two steps ahead like my clever friend did, she too could have turned this moment around into something magical (or magically delicious).
Leaving the left-overs
Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML
The good news is that you have a hilarious and memorable first date story to tell your kids one day. The bad news is, there is a homeless man in your car and he ate your pasta. Honestly, it sounds like he’s having a much worse day than you and you were probably just going to let that leftover pasta become a science experiment in the back of your fridge anyways. If you’re nice, maybe he’ll officiate your wedding ceremony. A homeless man married me and my date in the park one time when we were out on a picnic and all we had to give him was a potato chip. I don’t think it was legally binding, but the price was right.
Image by Isaac Hsieh on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.