When life gives you lemons on FML Friday

We’ve all heard the saying: when life provides you with several citrus fruits, it is generally acceptable to make citrus fruit juice. It’s like saying “look on the bright side” to some of these pathetic FMLers. Sure, some of them have it pretty bad, but most of them are just complaining for complaining’s sake.

And those people — lemoneers, we’ll call them – deserve our scorn.

So scorn away!

Acid and mucous membranes

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

Exactly what kind of person inserts a foreign object into their body without first washing their hands? Seriously, if you require the use of a tampon, we can safely assume you’re at an age where, oh, I don’t know, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

It’s a harsh lesson to learn, but just like the people out there who get Hepatitis-B from touching their crotches and them putting their fingers in their mouths — that’s a thing, right? — it’s one you deserved to go through. Because you disgust me.

Juice that sympathy

Today, I got a bad cut on my dominant hand while at work. My boss decided to order me to juice lemons… all 300 of them. FML

First of all, what kind of douche uses the phrase “dominant hand”? You could have just said “hand,” not sounded like a pretentious wiener, and we’d all have understood you.

And for all your knowledge and diction, you’ve obviously never heard of a wearing a glove before — even something you might use to hand-wash dishes would work. That would ensure that sour, acid-y goodness wouldn’t decimate your bad cut, you dominant wang.

Not quite a fruit ninja

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor’s tennis ball shooter. FML

Backstory would have been delightful for this particular complaint. Why in the ungodly hell does:

  • your neighbour have a tennis ball shooter;
  • that was loaded with lemons;
  • and pointed at your crotch in the first place?
If this was about you guys trying to shoot a Jackass-esque video, then I can’t muster any sympathy for you. But if this was an all-out attack on your nuts by your neighbour, then… well, good luck to you, sir.

Image by Troy Tolley on Flickr. Used under Creative Commons License.

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